>>From: Belacqua
>>To: Perdita
>>Subject: back to school
>>Date: Tue, 2 Jan 2001

This is probably the most relieved I've ever been to come back to this horrible town. I was just at my wit's end with everyone in my family and I HAD to get away from them or I was probably going to snap and do something not so nice. So, I'm back to school with nothing to do except get smashed and wait for tomorrow to come. I'm going to buy myself a flask with the help of a mall gift certificate, but after that, I'm going to take the flask for a test drive. That liter of whiskey isn't going to last very long. I'm already almost halfway done with it, and that was only for two buzz drunks. I haven't been floored yet. But I've been sleeping well.

This is going to be a hard semester to live through. It's a brand new year, and I'm still rolling head over heels down this impossibly long and steep mountainside. Forgive me for wallowing in my own misery. A lot of shit sort of hit me really hard on the ride home for some reason. Sometimes, I love to drive. I love to watch the road unfolding before me like a paper swan...the power I have under my fingertips...my music surrounding me like an aural blanket...and sometimes driving is a boring hell where all I can do is sit and stare straight ahead and try not to jerk the wheel into a lightpost. Today it was far more of the latter. Ugh.

At any rate, I'm going to run to the mall real quick before coming home to hopefully drink myself blind for the night before getting up tomorrow to finally, FINALLY go to see you. I'm going to set my alarm so I don't sleep through the morning, which I could certainly do if I drink too much too late. I hope your day goes well, and I'm glad you made it back and you're relieved. Too much family is just not a good thing.

I love you more than anything, Perdita.
Belacqua

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>From: Perdita
>To: Belacqua
>Subject: Re: back to school
>Date: Tue, 2 Jan 2001

Belacqua,

I'm so empty today. Yes, I'm glad to be back, but now that it's sunk in, I'm rather pissed at the world. Goddammit. I was all looking forward to today and tomorrow, and now that it's today, I'm wondering why the fuck I'm still alive. I hate the planet today, and I was walking out the door to go to lunch just a little while ago, and I got this wonderful image of a nice, little stand on the corner where all they sell is Uzis and a wonderful world where I could just buy one and tell the world what I think of it. Where the hell that CAME from, I don't know, but it was fun and it gave me a nice smile for a second. Then I crashed and realized how completely crazy that was and how that's not EVER going to happen, and I just got more pissed. Then I recalled the first time I met my shrink because I walked in and he asked me why I was there and I told him it was because I wanted to kill people. He asked who I wanted to kill and I told him everyone, and he asked if I wanted to kill him, and I told him he hadn't given me reason to hate him yet, but he sure as hell has now just by virtue of the fact that he's a shrink. Kill kill kill. Goddamn people are still all around me and I just want to kill them all and then off myself, and then the world would be a wonderful place.

The other day, What About Bob was on TV, and I don't know if you've ever seen that, but I was watching Bill Murray acting crazy, and I got all sad that I wasn't a happy little crazy person with a goldfish in a jar around my neck. How strange is that? If I have to be a crazy person, I want to be the kind that doesn't KNOW what the fuck is going on at ALL. I want to be the kind of person who walks around making people laugh because I'm so stupid and I'm talking to myself and at everyone else on the street, all the while thinking they're laughing because I'm funny. That would be so much better than this shit.

I just got word that they're doing carpeting in my office tomorrow, so I'm not coming in. I have to pack up my computer and phone and shove them in the closet so they can do the carpet, and HELL if I'm gonna be here sitting and watching them do all that while I have no phone, no work, no boss, and no internet. So, as long as I can keep my guilty conscience at bay, I should be able to relax and have a nice day off tomorrow. Then I'll get to sleep in, hopefully find a little energy with which to clean the apartment, and finally go get you at the airport. Thank GOD you're coming tomorrow. These days are starting to go by increasingly slowly.

Well, since I'm not gonna come in tomorrow and I have to pack up everything in the next half hour, I should probably go finish up this little pile of work my boss left for me. I can't wait to see you. I hope you have a relatively restful night, but don't drink too much so you don't oversleep and miss your flight. Then we'd have two maniacal depressed people on the loose, and it just wouldn't be fair to anyone on the planet if that were to happen.

I love you so much.
Perdita