>>From: Belacqua
>>To: Perdita
>>Subject: death to aol
>>Date: Tue, 2 Jan 2001

I hate AOL. I was using the AOL browser and taking awhile to write you an e-mail, and it decided to kick me offline and make the browser window disappear and eat my e-mail. I'm not in a particularly suitable state of mind to remember exactly what I was writing, besides the fact that I'm pissed off at AOL for doing that to me. I wish I could jump into the internet and find wherever or whatever AOL is and fucking tear it to shreds. I don't have very good anger management techniques, and I could really give a shit. I don't care that most of the time I get angry; I end up depressed before it's all over with. No matter what I do, I seem to end up depressed in the end, so I may as well get pissed off and feel mad for a little while and want to tear people's heads off their shoulders and punt them down the street just to watch the spiraling blood pattern leaving their neck as their head turns end over end. Goddamn miserable fucking AOL.

Now I'm so tired from drinking that I don't know if I can type much more. I think I have to go to bed and try to remember what I was typing later. It's not even 10:00. Oh well. I don't care. I'm tired now. I only have to fall asleep (theoretically) two more times before I'm with you. That's a very calming thought. My mother tried to lay a guilt trip on me today, but to hell with her. I've done so much shit in my life for her benefit, anyway. It's my damn money and my damn time and I'm going to spend it how I want to spend it. Fuck her. More anger. When I'm not paralyzed by depression, I'm usually livid with anger. Go figure.

Anyway, I hope you got back home okay and your flight went fairly well. Day after tomorrow...day after tomorrow...day after tomorrow....

I love you, Perdita.
Belacqua

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>From: Perdita
>To: Belacqua
>Subject: Re: death to aol
>Date: Tue, 2 Jan 2001

Belacqua,

It feels SO GOOD to be back. I think I was about two seconds away from fucking spontaneously combusting when I was home. When I'm with my family or sometimes even my friends, I feel like I'm grating against something that just reacts poorly with my personality. It's like I'm trying to put myself into a situation where I'm a south and everyone else is a north, and the closer I try to get to them, the more strongly I'm repelled. It's just so completely WRONG.

When I was in school, I always used to LOVE going home. Home was the only place where I actually felt comfortable and somehow secure. At school, I'd sometimes spend so much time in class or writing papers or practicing or working or whatever the fuck I was supposed to be doing just because I knew it would make the time go by quickly, and all I could do was wait and pray for the holidays to come so that school would be over before I knew it. And it worked, too; holidays came surprisingly quickly. Then, I'd go home, get sick because my body would literally crash, relax for a week or two, and then it was back to trying to pass time. School was SO stressful for me. Everything was competitive and highly judged by everyone. We did so much singing for faculty and peers, and all they did was critique, critique, critique. All I wanted was to be somewhere where I wasn't being judged, and I guess that was home.

Now I go home, and I AM being judged because the whole family looks at me with this hint of confusion in their eyes, and they just let me do my own thing, but then they get in my face about it. This was the first time ever that my family actually left me alone a LITTLE. But then I felt neglected. They'd play a family game and not even invite me to come. They'd make plans and not even ask me what I was doing or if I wanted to go. They'd just assume that I'd follow if I wanted and disappear if I didn't, but they never clued me in as to what was happening. So whatever. I'm just glad to be back here. At home, I have no identity; I'm the family enigma.

Well, tonight I pick up my new computer, and tomorrow, I pick up you. Yay for finally having something to look forward to that's not so far away it seems hopeless. I can't wait to see you.

Only one more day....
I love you so much.
Perdita