>>From: Belacqua
>>To: Perdita
>>Subject: the brink of the new year
>>Date: Sun, 31 Dec 2000

For the first time in several weeks, I woke up this morning without a headache and without feeling totally parched. Instead, I felt all keyed up like I did yesterday morning, which wouldn't be so bad if I was waking up at some sort of regular time, but I'm waking up before 7 in the morning, and I just don't want to be conscious that early in the day. I can't tell whether it's medicine or anxiety that's doing it to me, but whatever it is, it needs to stop.

It's only been about two days since I restarted the medication, but I had to force myself to sit down and write last night. While I was off the medication, I couldn't stop writing, and it seemed like such a chore to have to sit down and do it last night. My handwriting is back to its usual form already. There just wasn't the same fury there last night when I picked up the pen. I had been writing 4-5 pages a night, but I quit after around 2 pages. What I did get down was interesting, though. A picture came to my mind about our situation. It feels like we've been exposed to the brightest and most painful light imaginable and it has burned out our retinas, so that when the light is gone, everything seems grey and dark and indistinguishable. Most people live their whole lives without ever seeing that flash of feeling, so everything seems normal to them, and when they do experience a small flash of emotion, it darkens their vision for a little while, but their eyes recover and the world seems right again. We've been broken beyond repair by feeling as powerfully as we did. The antidepressants throw a thin screen over our minds so that everything isn't quite as vivid and powerful, but having felt the full intensity of the human capacity of feeling, anything less seems dull and unfulfilling. But left to the power of the full emotions, we would be torn to pieces. So we're fucked. We either let our minds tear us to pieces, or we pass through life half-awake and blinded. That's not quite as clear as I have it on paper, but the pad is in my room and I've finally gotten warm in this chair, so I don't think I'm going to get up anytime soon.

I hope you have a tolerable New Year's Eve. With any luck, I'll pass out and not have to think about a whole new year about to roll over me.

I love you so much.
Belacqua

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>From: Perdita
>To: Belacqua
>Subject: Re: the brink of the new year
>Date: Sun, 31 Dec 2000

Belacqua,

Christ, sleeping problems all around last night. I woke up about fifty billion times last night, and each time I got slightly more upset than the previous time and somehow I ended up sleeping on the couch in the living room because I guess my bed just wasn't doing it for me. It's really kind of odd to me that I would've had to have gotten out of bed to go to sleep in the living room. There's not even a TV in the living room, so I obviously didn't feel as though I was awake enough to make it to watch TV in the family room, so I really don't know what the hell happened. All I know is that I keep sleeping worse and worse every night I'm here, and I just want to go back home.

I'm so frustrated. I’m annoyed that I'm tired as hell and still can't so much as take a nap, I’m annoyed that my throat feels all crappy and gross again, and the bunny has recently decided that she doesn't like me anymore, so I'm all sorts of pissed off here. I can't take it anymore. I can't take being around my family. I can't take being stuck in this town with nothing around. I can't take feeling obligated to do EVERYTHING here: go to church, clean the house, act cheery....

So what is it now? Three days? Only three more days until I get to see you again. I think I've almost forgotten what it's like to be around someone else who GETS it. You know how yesterday you said something about leaving movie theaters sometimes as the only one not scratching their head? Well, that was me yesterday coming out of CastAway, that new movie with Tom Hanks. It probably wouldn't have been my first movie choice, but my parents wanted to see it, so we went and GOD was I frustrated afterwards. It was an outstanding movie, not so much in the way of being something that I'd ordinarily enjoy seeing, but it had so much in it that I thought was just amazing, and my family just didn't get it. They tried to talk about it afterwards, and they were all confused and asking each other questions about it, and I just wanted to stop and scream, "Where the HELL did I come from?! How the hell can you not SEE these things?"

I'm sorry that you're waking up at 7 in the morning these days. That totally sucks. But hey, if it makes you feel any better, I was awakened at 8 this morning to go to church AGAIN, so it could be worse. I finally fall asleep, and I can't even wake up on my own; I have to be dragged to church. Thank god I don't have to go tomorrow. January 1st is usually a holy day, but not this year because it's a Monday (?).

Well, I'd better get going. I positively can't WAIT to see you in a few days, and I hope we both survive until then. I'm getting back tomorrow sometime probably around 8 or 9pm, just so you know.

I love you.
Perdita