>>From: Belacqua
>>To: Perdita
>>Subject: too many pills
>>Date: Thu, 21 Dec 2000

I never really feel "sick" until I have to go and fill a lot of prescriptions at one time, and then I wonder what the pharmacist must be thinking when I hand over five prescriptions for antidepressants to be filled. I feel diseased after that, and granted, this is a sickness, but most of the time I don't really feel "sick." Usually, I just feel bad. Right now, I feel really "sick" and I don't really like the feeling, especially since I couldn't take one of the medications this morning because I was out of it, and I rushed home from the pharmacy because I felt like I NEEDED that pill. Christ. I'm on enough fucking medication to make a small pygmy tribe high for a month, and I feel like I'm fighting to stay alive.

For some reason, the Remeron is making me feel nostalgic as hell. Maybe it's just the timing, since I am back home and all, but I just drove around town today while I was waiting for the prescriptions to be filled, and I went to all these places where I had done all these different things and I just cruised and thought. It's kind of strange because god knows I don't want to go back to those times, but it's so much easier to isolate pleasant feelings in the past and just try to ignore the years between those brief incidents. I used to feel anchored by my past, and for some reason, I feel, not exactly buoyed by them, but something close to that. Then, as soon as I think that, I realize that's not the full truth because I do feel dragged down by some immense sadness that is inextricably linked to any remotely pleasant memory because that time is gone, and no matter how nice it felt at the time, it's over. Bittersweet? Perhaps.

I was going to tell my parents last night about my plans to go to visit you in January, but my mom would have killed me if I had cornered her about it with my grandmother there, so I guess tonight is the face-off. I've already decided that they can't tell me I can't go, because I'm old enough where they just can't do that anymore. I don't need them to buy the tickets for me or drive me to the airport. All I'm really doing is letting them know what I'm doing, letting them air out their concerns so I can deflate them, and fucking do it anyway. There are a lot of ways I'd like to present it, but they would probably alarm them more than comfort them. Either that, or they'd just call me a teenager, which INFURIATES me. They think I blow things out of proportion. I can't tell them that I NEED to see you because you are the only person I've ever met in my entire life who understands what is going on, and I can't tell them that being with you is the only thing that makes me feel calm anymore (that doesn't come in a little bottle) because they just don't understand how I feel. They assume that because they don't see it my way, it's wrong and I'm just being melodramatic and juvenile.

I need to go into town to get something for my brother and mother for Christmas, but the thought of sitting in that traffic is making it really difficult to get even slightly motivated to do it. I still have a few days. I can probably get it done tomorrow morning, if I can get up, because the weekend is going to be that much worse. I remember when holidays were fun. Now they're just one huge obligation.

I'm glad you feel better today after stopping the Remeron. If it didn't help me sleep so much, I'd quit it, but I'm trading a little quickness in the daytime for not feeling miserable the entire night. Normal people don't have to make lose-lose decisions like that. Goddamn normal people.

I hope you can get some shopping done today and I hope your day continues to go well. I hope to hear from you soon. This is Belacqua, reporting from hell, signing off....

I love you, Perdita.
Belacqua

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>From: Perdita
>To: Belacqua
>Subject: Re: too many pills
>Date: Thu, 21 Dec 2000

Belacqua,

I feel sick quite frequently. Every single goddamn time I'm sitting here at work dizzy from the way my own head is driving me out of my skull, I feel sick. I feel sick around my family, my friends, and total strangers. It's probably not very good for me or anything, but I have a definite tendency to distance myself from the "normal" people in society because I feel sick in comparison to them. I was actually thinking about that on my way home from work yesterday. The fact that I couldn't go out shopping after work made me so goddamn angry with the world because I knew any "normal" person could've convinced themself to go or at least dragged themself there, but I had to go home because I have the energy of a fucking eighty year-old. That makes me feel sick. Seeing the bottles of prescriptions constantly on my dresser makes me feel sick because I can't even put them away for a day without missing several doses. It makes me feel sick everytime my vision goes wacky for absolutely no fucking reason. Everything on the face of the planet makes me feel sick, and I hate that, so of course, the whole problem just ends up multiplying itself.

You know, when I went to Denver last spring, I was seriously considering not telling my parents until I got back, but I was too goddamn excited about the trip to keep my mouth shut about it, so I did end up telling them. They took it SO much better than I had expected. I thought they were gonna go off on how stupid I was to be going to a strange place to meet some strange guy and do god knows what, but they were just happy that I told them. They always do some crazy-ass thing like ask for addresses and phone numbers for anywhere I go, but they blow it off as being just a way to get in touch with me in case something happens to my grandmother or something.

Okay, once again, my vision is going crazy. I don't UNDERSTAND this. Where the hell did this problem come from? I don't know if it's still the Remeron trying to get out of my body or what, but I can't see straight for any longer than two minutes before things start to get all wavy. This time, it looks like I'm looking through water at everything, like the computer screen is swimming or something. Goddammit. Maybe I'm going through some sort of Remeron withdrawal. GODDAMMIT, why doesn't it just STOP?!

Okay, I don't think I can stare at the computer much longer right now. I have to pack up the rest of my office before break, too, so I should probably go. I hope you're having a wonderful time with the family (yes, that WAS sarcasm), and I can't wait to hear from you.

I love you.
Perdita