>>From: Belacqua
>>To: Perdita
>>Subject: the shadow of a personality
>>Date: Mon, 18 Dec 2000

There's definitely a part of me that enjoys being an enigma, a part of me that likes to exist only in shadowy boundaries so I can never really be captured into any single category or group. There's a part of me that needs to be misunderstood by most people. I thought if everyone could see the world I saw it, it would make things easier. All everybody needed to do was understand, but I realize now that that really wouldn't solve anything. All I need is one person who sees it the same way to know that what I'm seeing has some validity, and to hell with everyone else.

I've been half asleep on my couch all afternoon. I ate something at about 11:30 and I've been lying down ever since then. I hope this is just my body playing catch-up and not a permanent effect of the Remeron. I've been in a funny kind of mood lately. I picked up my guitar yesterday and wrote a few songs for a band I'll never be in, with lead, rhythm and bass parts. There's a part of me that wants to do that again, but I know it wouldn't be the same because that band was a bunch of friends getting together and having fun, and if I got involved in a band here, they'd all be way too serious about it to enjoy themselves. There's just no point in playing if you aren't having fun. That's why I quit the second band I was in. So, I just write these songs and listen to them in my head.

If I can get motivated enough, I'm going to get some money out of my account and call someone to get me more alcohol. I hope your day is going well.

I love you.
Belacqua

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>From: Perdita
>To: Belacqua
>Subject: Re: the shadow of a personality
>Date: Mon, 18 Dec 2000

Belacqua,

I just got an e-mail from the friend I was telling you about who I thought was bipolar but may actually have been borderline. He randomly shows up out of nowhere, usually when he's just been dumped by another girl. He lives about an hour and a half away from me, and he's apparently thinking of coming into town in January. He’s not exactly the brightest grape in the bunch, but he seems harmless enough. Since he last wrote, I guess he had another suicide attempt gone wrong. This makes attempt number three or so. I think. It's kind of hard to keep up with.

I wrote to him last year when I first started my website because I was hell-bent on finding someone who'd been through some of the same things as me, and I somehow came across his homepage. I literally picked up a few lines of his that were on his page, cut and pasted them into an e-mail, and wrote to him regarding the quote. It said, "They call it a disorder; I call it 'living with hell.'" I thought that was pretty much the coolest thing ever. Doesn't that describe things quite well? If only the boy had half a brain, he might've been significantly more interesting to talk to. But oh well. I guess I can't fault him for being...not smart.

I was just remembering being in your apartment with your neighbor that morning when the three of us were sitting there smoking, and I was just realizing how glad I am to be a part of your life. Just thought I'd share. But it's true, I mean, I've been thinking lately about how fucking hard it is to keep on living, and every time, I think about you and how hard YOU have to try to keep on living, too, and it makes me feel at least a little bit better. I'm so glad you called last night, even though we talked just a few hours before. I swear to god, I'm in Belacqua-withdrawal. And I'm HATING it. My doctor can't understand why I'm not happily satisified in life now that there's someone who understands, but it's just because he's dumb and he doesn't know what it's like to hate waking up every morning and then hate having to do anything to keep that miserable life from ending right away. I love you, Belacqua, and I NEED you, and I miss you so much that it makes me sick.

I love you.
Perdita