>>From: Belacqua
>>To: Perdita
>>Subject: a personless existence
>>Date: Mon, 18 Dec 2000

This is probably the most useless Sunday, or any day for that matter, that I've ever passed in my entire life. I woke up hungover as hell and I haven't left the TV since. I have had absolutely no human contact of any kind at all today, not even a wrong number or a telemarketer on the phone. In some ways, it was kind of nice, and in a lot of ways, it kind of sucked. I would get randomly seized with panic and loneliness and not be able to move for several minutes, but it always passed. It always does. I left my apartment one time, and that was to go for a walk, but I got outside and it's like 20 degrees, so I decided to hell with that. I didn't see another human being outside, either. For all I know, I'm the only person left on Earth, except for the fact that the football games I watched were all live. But they're not on anymore, so I guess speculation is open again.

I can't say I've had a bad day, but I certainly can't say I've had a good one, either. I'm just so tired of everything. I wish I was one of those Eastern Yoga masters who could control their heart rates through sheer willpower, because I'd just stop mine. All I can do is kill myself in small ways right now: smoking, drinking too much.... I've been writing a little, but it's still nothing I'm satisfied with. They're the kind of poems I skip through in books to get to the poet's good stuff. It feels like filler. It's not bad, but it's not good, either. It's probably enough to not be laughed at.

I've been listening to Alkaline Trio and Jimmy Eat World alternately all day today while watching football, so I know all those CD's by heart now. When I go home for Christmas, I'm going to put together Alkaline Trio's good stuff on a CD for you, and maybe a second CD with songs that I like that I didn't have when I made the first CD. I don't know why, but I like to make compilations of things. I've been making mix tapes ever since I got my first dual tape deck with high speed dubbing.

I'm just rambling at this point because this is the only form of outward communication I've had today. Anyway, I hope you had fun last night, and I hope your day was more productive and stimulating than mine was.

I love you.
Belacqua

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>From: Perdita
>To: Belacqua
>Subject: Re: a personless existence
>Date: Mon, 18 Dec 2000

Belacqua,

I think right now I'm in that hyperdrive period that you had a few days ago. My fingers are trying to type, but they just won't go as fast as I want them to because my head is fucking spinning with things I want to say and they can't keep up for anything. Hopefully this will last until work is done today so I can go out and do some of that Christmas shopping I've been trying to do for weeks. The keyboard kind of feels like pudding beneath my fingers. It's the strangest sensation in the world. Please PLEASE let this hyper feeling last until 4:30. I MUST get that goddamn Christmas shopping done. My parents were asking about my shopping and when I was gonna do it, and all I could say was that it would get done. I always wait until I actually feel like I'm in the mood to do it, and this year that mood just hasn't come because I'm too goddamn depressed to even think about Christmas. I just want it to be over so I can see you again.

This weekend was fucking crazy. I was awake for about five hours each day. And that's a generous estimate for yesterday because all I did was sleep or lay on the futon watching TV in that half-awake state where you can sort of hear what's going on but you're really not paying attention, you know? At least I had my puppy to keep me company while I was completely knocked out and unable to move far enough even to go to the kitchen to eat something. I thought about ordering a pizza, but my roommate didn't have any money and I didn't really have enough to pay for it myself even if I could've gotten to the bottom of the steps and back up again to GET the damn pizza. Ah, whatever. At least I'm well-rested today, right?

Every time I go home, all these people I haven't talked to in forever decide they need to see me, and I end up either sitting at home feeling sorry for myself because I have no friends, or else going out every other night trying to figure out why these people appeared out of the woodwork to make me feel bad about not keeping in touch with them. There is ONE person I care to see at all when I'm home, and that's my best friend, Ami. So I always get these inner fights with myself about why I'm sitting at home with my parents and their friends on New Year's Eve instead of being out getting plastered with my friends, but I don't care to see any of them and it just goes on and on like that in my head. I really do wish I could see Ami more often, but she's so busy and well-adjusted and all with a normal life, and she can't for the life of her figure out what is wrong with me and why I'm not doing more to better myself and my place in life. She means well and I love her, but she really doesn’t get it.

Now, I'm starting to feel REALLY highly medicated and the words are flipping up and down on the screen so much that I can't read what I'm typing, so I think I'd better go for a short walk or something. Thank god I have a job that I can do that in. I don't know what I'd do if I actually had to sit at my desk all day long. I hope your Monday is starting out well. Please let me know when you decide to go home for Christmas so I don't try to call you and wonder why I can't find you.

I love you so much.
Perdita