>>From: Belacqua
>>To: Perdita
>>Subject: Re: without subjects
>>Date: Thu, 7 Dec 2000

I surprised myself this morning. I actually got up, got ready, and went to class. I don't know why, because I couldn't focus my attention on the lecture for anything, but I was there anyway. Then, I didn't surprise myself when I decided that biology would be too much work to attend, partly because I didn't want to go and partly because my nose was running like crazy and I didn't want to have to put up with that in public any longer than I had to.

I do feel better today. Talking to you always seems to balance me out. When I'm left to my own devices, things start to echo and intensify in my head, then they snowball into this enormous, overwhelming ball of negativity and depression, and I would ordinarily sit and stare at this pulsing ball of misery as it grew larger and larger. I don't remember how I would end up deflating it. Probably my parents would come in my room and I'd be forced to distraction and kind of forget it was looming there. Living on my own, though, it got easily overwhelming, and that's most of why I ended up in the hospital a few months ago, and most of why I thought I should have been in there a long time before that (even though it didn't provide any real therapeutic value, it did kind of shock me into covering things up more, and it woke a lot of people up to how fucked up I felt) and I don't have to fight that as much anymore. The fight is a little bit easier because you're there. Loneliness acts like a magnifying glass that just makes everything that much worse because there's nowhere to go for comfort and understanding. And I know I've said all this before, but it's so incredible to me that I can't help but dwell.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel needed. I felt so useless and unneeded that I had to buy a dog so I'd feel my existence was justified to some living creature. I guess in hindsight, I see how little he really needed me and needed more to get away from me, but it doesn't matter because he served his purpose and kept me alive for a few months, anyway.

I think I need a nap, or at least a near-catatonic rest period. Tomorrow is so close that it's frustrating it's not here yet. This past week has dragged by like it was an entire year.

The greatest song lyric of all time: "I once shot a man in Reno/ Just to watch him die." - Johnny Cash.

I love you.
Belacqua

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>From: Perdita
>To: Belacqua
>Subject: Re: without subjects
>Date: Thu, 7 Dec 2000

Belacqua,

I was reading some stuff online today about borderline disorder, and it was some pretty interesting stuff. I did a self-diagnosis test, and of course it came up saying I had it. The one thing that I'm not so sure about with it is the way they seem to portray it as something that makes people lash out. I never lash out. I always just sort of sit back. I might FEEL like shit and try to blame it on other people, but I'll never TELL those people. I can't lash out at someone no matter how badly I want to. But it was definitely an interesting read, and they said it usually exists in conjunction with other disorders, so it would make sense that you and/or I have it, as well as some other things. Who knows? We're just fucked up, but at least we're fucked up together.

I'm glad to hear that you got up for at least one class today. Biology sucks, anyway. There's no way in hell I would've gone to a biology class. I've always hated science.

Those pulsing balls of misery are annoying as shit, aren't they? Goddamn misery balls.

Christ. Isn't it strange how slowly the days can go? I specifically remember when it was four days before my twenty-first birthday. I could've SWORN the days would never pass. All my life I'm underage, then all of a sudden I can't wait four days. This time, tomorrow seems like an eternity away. I'm trying so hard to tell myself that today and tomorrow will be gone before I know it, but it's hard as shit to believe that. This has been one of the worst weeks I've had in awhile, and I'm so fucking sick of it. And why the hell do the words bounce up and down on the computer screen in front of me every once in awhile? I know it's not the computer, but it's driving me nuts to the point that I want to fucking throw the computer out the window. Goddammit.

Well, I hope your evening goes well and I hope you can sleep some tonight. I can't wait to see you tomorrow, and the world will be ours again for a few short days.

I love you.
Perdita