>>From: Belacqua
>>To: Perdita
>>Subject: Re: fun with therapy
>>Date: Thu, 30 Nov 2000

Puppy love...if that didn't make me want to scream, I'd probably die laughing. People have no idea what it's like to be caged inside your mind for such a long time, and then suddenly have someone in the cage with you. And comparing antidepressants, which only reroute chemicals in your brain so that maybe you won't feel like shit ALL the time, with being able to talk to someone finally and not be so alone...that’s fucked up...it must be comforting for them to see us and know they only have to live our lives one hour out of the week.

I remember for a long time I saw my life as involving a recliner, a TV, and a neverending bottle of alcohol. I seriously believed the only way I could survive for any amount of time was to be so trashed out of my mind that I'd just forget I was alive. Now that I don't care if I'm alive, I can still see that scenario, but I don't want to be here long enough to live it out. If I kept on living, I'd be a miserable old hermit of a man probably working a night watchman job so I can buy more liquor without any human contact, smoking like crazy so something will finally fucking kill me. Life is a poisonous curse, and I'm ready to be done with it.

I have a shrink appointment in about half an hour, and I'm going to try to tell the lady I'm sick of popping pills that don't do anything but make me so thirsty I can't talk. If I don't do that, I guess she'll screw with my dosage, and I'll just stop taking the pills. I don't ever have to see her again because she's leaving. I've never had an antidepressant with any results that lasted for longer than a week, and I'm not even sure those were the antidepressants, so much as it was my own mind hoping like hell the pills would work, so it cheered me up a little. But I'm always back at square one, morose and suicidal, and I'm sick of trying. Shit, I think it's admirable as hell that we've made it this far...and what do we get for it? People are disgusted when they find out I'm miserable. They berate me for wanting to die when I have so many things to live for. And there's the catch: things to live for. I'm living for other things. Nobody understands why that just won't work forever. They can't see that they aren't living for things, they're living for themselves because they feel good to be alive and it makes them happy. Well, it doesn't make me happy one fucking bit, and if they could see how I felt, they'd hand me the fucking knife and apologize. I'm getting worked up, so the profanity is beginning to fly. I only curse a whole lot when I get going on something, or when I'm really nervous...not like it matters. They're just words that people have randomly decided are "bad" so we shouldn't say them. People are so bizarre.

I got a call last night from my friend, Drew (also a friend of Cassandra's...). We haven't talked at all since I achieved my freedom, and it was such a relief that he was on my side, and he knew exactly why I had to break up with her, and he could see all the things I was talking about that made her next to impossible to be around. I really wasn't sure where I stood with Drew because he's known Cassandra a lot longer than I have, but we have more in common than they do. Drew is the guy I wanted to rampage my high school with. He's cool and dorky at the same time. He has an encyclopedic knowledge of handguns, but he loves comic books and star wars. It's cool to just get together sometimes and bitch. He's just generally pissed at the world. He’s mildly depressed, but he can't fathom my feelings, and he's said as much. It really fucked him up when I told him I was in the hospital for attempted suicide. Drew is a fence sitter, though, so the Cassandra shit shouldn't interfere with that. I'll probably see him every few months and talk to him every few months like always and be his bitching post and oracle because he really values my opinion for some reason. I guess that's the coolest thing about him. We have a lot of respect for each other.

Well, now that I've rambled on analyzing my friendship, I have to go to my appointment and get nothing accomplished. I hope your show goes well tonight and your day went well, too.

I love you.
Belacqua

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>From: Perdita
>To: Belacqua
>Subject: Re: fun with therapy
>Date: Thu, 30 Nov 2000

Belacqua,

I'm really glad to hear that Drew called you. I've become very convinced that anyone who isn't happy for you getting out of your relationship with Cassandra is just like everyone who doesn't talk to me because of my obsession with Columbine. It's a GOOD thing for you, and if they don't want you to be happy, they shouldn't be your friend anyway. So, I'm really glad to hear that he's come to his senses and realized that you did the right thing. It definitely sucks when friendships get destroyed because of relationships.

Christ, wouldn't that be the best life ever to be able to just sit and drink and watch TV all day long every single goddamn day? That would rock. That's how I felt about E for awhile. If only I could be on E all the time, then life would be an amazing and wonderful journey. Except, of course, for the fact that it made me REALLY suicidal if I was ever alone while on it. E is definitely something you have to do with other people. I made it a point to ensure that I had swarms of people around if I was gonna do it because it was such a fucking downer if you were alone. If ever I was alone on it, I'd get so fucking depressed about not having any friends, and I'd get terrible urges to cut myself as deeply as possible. And you definitely get this sense of having little to no control over what you're doing, and I've heard that some people were really concerned that I was gonna kill myself by accident if I kept doing it. Not to worry, though, I've since reassured those people that, if and when I kill myself, it will have been a decision made after lots of coherent and sober thought.

I think it's admirable as shit that we've made it this far, too. Oh god, so many reasons to live. Ugh. I've heard that one more than enough times to make me legitimately sick. Perdita, you're so talented, how could you want to waste what you have?...Perdita, you're so smart, how can you think that way?...Perdita, you have me, why would you want to give that up?...Perdita, this, Perdita, that,...Perdita, I could do so much more with your life than what you seem to be doing with it.... As if they have any IDEA what it's like to be me, what it's like to know I could make something of myself if only I WASN'T ME...like hearing that makes me feel any better.

Today has been so much better at work than it's been other days recently. You see, I started working here in September of last year, and then in January, my boss went on sabbatical till June. So, I had six months of this job in which I barely had a boss. The acting boss was very much like I am in dealing with things; he'd just pass them off on someone else or neglect them entirely. He was clinically depressed and on medication and everything, so he really understood the way I wanted to just sit at my desk and type for eight hours a day. After that, my boss came back, but it was summer and things were slow (as this is a school, you know), so it's just recently that things have started to look even remotely like an actual job, and it's kind of throwing me off a bit. But today was mostly tolerable. I spent lots of time online, did lots of writing, made a poll for my journal,...you know, lots of fun shit. And I take a smoke break at least once an hour or so for ten minutes, so it's been a nice relaxing day. I could PUT UP with this if it was always like that. But it's not, and I honestly think this is about the closest I'll ever get to a job where you don't have to do anything. I've had a wonderful life of jobs where you don't have to do anything, but at this stage in the game, it's a bit harder. They support your life, and all of a sudden they expect you to do work...sigh....

Well, it's about time for me to start finishing up all the loose ends I've built up here at work over the course of the day. I hope you have a good night, and I look forward to hearing from you.

I love you.
Perdita