>>From: Belacqua
>>To: Perdita
>>Subject: Re: the very last thread
>>Date: Tue, 21 Nov 2000

Part of the reason I've been feeling so strange since I got back from seeing you is that I'm not used to feeling sentimental and completely knocked on my ass by another person like I was with you. I've always been a dreamer and a romantic, but those visions were always rusted around the edges with the pessimistic streak that never dies. I never believed in anything I dreamed, so I never really felt all that strongly about any of it. This time, I was getting scared because I didn't know what was going on. There was and is this uncanny pull towards you. I've never even seriously considered blowing 500 bucks of my parents' money to fly across the country to meet anyone and saying to hell with all consequences, but something was pulling so hard that I did it. I was SO CLOSE to not getting back on that plane, and ever since I've been back, I've felt lost. I know that sounds like melodramatic crap and I feel somewhat like Petrarch pining over his Laura, but this is the only way I can come close to expressing this. Again, it seems like another thing that we can understand without adequately expressing it. I have such an enormously hard time verbalizing anything that I think or feel, and I didn't feel that at any point over the weekend you didn't understand what I said or how I felt when I didn't speak. I didn't believe that people could really just sit and know things about the other without verbally expressing them. I thought that was another dream I had that had no chance of being realized. I've always hated language and words because of how far short they fall of what I want to say and what I feel, and I've hated that I can't ever communicate with someone fully because the only tool I had was language.

The way I want to explain why I had to see you in particular this weekend to my parents is like this: I want them to imagine that they live on a planet where everyone else speaks a different language that they can somewhat understand, but cannot communicate in at all. Imagine that the people on this planet did things all the time that they just couldn't comprehend, and their entire world made absolutely no sense to them. And they thought that they were the only person on that planet who couldn't relate to everyone else. Then, they stumble across someone who speaks their language, who they can communicate both ways with and whose ideas make sense. If they can imagine the necessary connection with that other person, then they can possibly understand why you are so important and why I had to see you. They just can't understand this isolation and the relief I felt when I found out I'm not completely alone. I doubt they'd understand anyway.

I hope you have a good day today, and I hope to hear from you soon.

I love you.
Belacqua

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>From: Perdita
>To: Belacqua
>Subject: Re: the very last thread
>Date: Tue, 21 Nov 2000

Belacqua,

You know, there was a point when I was in high school where I thought it would be a really good idea to date as many guys as possible just to see how many I could go out with. I thought it would be a great idea because I just didn't understand the whole concept of dating. I mean, it's not like I ever even considered getting married or anything, I just thought dating was altogether pointless and only something people did for lack of anything better to do. So, while all my friends were falling hopelessly in love with some random guy that was totally wrong for them, I was dating every guy I could find.

It never worked out very well, though, and I was always getting frustrated because altogether too many of these guys were getting way too attached to me, and it was getting really difficult to get rid of them. It didn't take me too long to figure out it was a bad idea just by virtue of the fact that they actually seemed to care for me. I didn't get that. I was never very nice to them, so it just didn't make much sense to me at all. I still don't understand it.

In any case, it was a horrible thing to do and I feel awful just bringing it up because I'd never EVER do anything to play with people's emotions that way now, but I just got to thinking about it. I think people get overwhelmed by their emotions so easily that they just can't conceive of any emotions being more drastic or more intense than some of the ones they've experienced themselves. So these guys thought they were feeling a lot for me, and I was just completely detached from it all. I didn't even know what it felt like to feel anything for someone. All I knew was how miserable I felt and how much I wanted to feel better about myself, so I thought the number of guys I dated would change that. It never even occurred to me that they might have had feelings involved as well. It probably wouldn't really have mattered, anyway, seeing as how I was so concerned about the way I felt and ONLY the way I felt.

Christ, I have such a way of making a single point take up way too much space, but I think my point was that it's an entirely different thing altogether to know someone else who's feeling things as intensely as I am. I mean, I didn't care at all for those guys in high school and I didn't understand how they could possibly think they felt something for me because I knew their feelings couldn't possibly have been as intense as the intense misery I was feeling inside. So, given that I believe you understand the misery, I'm more likely to respond to the fact that you might actually care for me in a way I can understand. And it absolutely blows my mind.

Even in college, all my friends were entirely aware of the fact that I thought dating was pointless entertainment. I was quite vocal about the fact that I didn't believe I could ever fall in love or anything because I knew I would want someone who could essentially read my mind, and that was surely an impossibility.

Now I'm talking myself in circles, and I'm panicking because I have to leave work soon and I don't feel like I’ve said anything I wanted to say, and I have to go to the shrink now too, so I'm just gonna shut the fuck up and go. But I did want to mention that I agree entirely with what you said you're gonna tell your parents. You're right that they probably won't understand, but...well, I understand. I guess that's the whole point.

Ah, hell.

I love you.
Perdita