>>From:Belacqua
>>To: Perdita
>>Subject: the very last thread
>>Date: Tue, 21 Nov 2000

I'm so sick with loneliness that I don't know what to do. I have absolutely nothing here that means a goddamn thing to me. All I have to do is finish my degree and then I'm gone...only a year...an entire year...and I know it won't be that long before I see you again because I'd lose my mind, but it’s still too long. I'm sitting here staring at a piece of paper with my handwriting all over it that can't tell me it understands how I feel. It's me and Eeyore here, and if he starts talking to me, I don't know if I'll be relieved or terrified. I'm almost looking forward to going home this weekend because I don't know if I can be by myself. And there's plenty of wine and liquor at my grandma's house to make me forget about myself.

I've been reading your book with Trista, and the more I read, the more amazing it is. It's so cliche now, but I've written things that Trista has thought or said before. I've felt those things and felt crazy because I thought it was just me. I have one friend here whose best quality is that even though he doesn't understand, he doesn't act like he does. He doesn't understand why you are so special and extraordinary to me, and it doesn't really matter to him whether it makes sense or not because he can see how it makes me feel. Everybody else wants to know WHY, and if I can't explain it to them, it must not make any sense and I'm just delusional. Even though my friend may think it's crazy, he also thinks it's great. I think that's the only reason I can communicate with him at all.

I hope to hear from you soon

I love you, Perdita.
Belacqua

---

>From: Perdita
>To: Belacqua
>Subject: Re: the very last thread
>Date: Tue, 21 Nov 2000

Belacqua,

I'm totally fucked up with loneliness, too. Every time I have a cigarette, I just try to remember what it felt like to have you here with me. It's dumb as shit, but I'm just so frustrated with life right now and all that helps is knowing I'm not the only one who feels that way. I'm fucking pissed at the non-existent god who seems to be laughing at me and pointing towards you saying, "Ha ha! Look how far away from you he is! Look how much the two of you still have to suffer before you can feel any better at all!" And I just want to fight back and punch the bastard, but of course I can't.

It sounds like your friend is doing everything a friend who doesn't really understand can possibly do. It's great that you have someone in your life who can understand that he CAN'T understand, you know? That's so much better than the people who try to tell you they know what's going on even better than you do and then try to tell you you're going about it all wrong.

You know, if there's one thing I hate, it's sentimental, melodramatic bullshit, and even though I feel like that's what I'm about to come out with, I still have to say it. You know how a bit back, we were writing about how it felt like we had some sort of strange connection with each other? Well, I was thoroughly convinced that that would disappear once I met you and put your personality to a face and vice versa, but it didn't. In fact, it made me even more convinced that there IS some sort of strange connection. It took me a little while to feel somewhat comfortable around you (as it does with all people), but when we were saying goodbye at the airport, I could FEEL that connection. I felt like we belong together and we were meant to find one another and I think I'm making myself sick because these are not the sorts of things I like to say. But I mean them, and I hope I got some sort of point across without actually having to follow through with the thought.

About coming to see where you live, don't worry, I'm thinking about it. I think I've mentioned my absolute fear of traveling alone, but I'm working on it and trying to convince myself to go visit you. I am interested in seeing what you do and where you live and everything. So, we'll see. I'm checking airfares nearly every day, and the sheer intensity of how much I miss you is bound to drive me to buying a ticket at some point soon.

I love you.
Perdita