Signed in Blood
Part I
>>From: Belacqua
>>To: Perdita
>>Subject: hurricane
>>Date: Thu, 16 Nov 2000
my head is in a fuckign hurricane ever since i left the apartment this mronging and i don't have any clue why anhd i'm probalby not going to suse very much punctuation and i'm probalyb not going to correct typoss so please excuse that, its' just thate io've been af ucking wreck all day and i can't sit still and i can't shut my head off and i haven't watned to die thsi mouch in myu entire life...i wa ssitting in cl ass nad i was scasred i was going to put my pen through my arm ffbecause i just felt like stabbing myself with somethign and just letting out this pent up entergy that just keep welling and wleling and wellnig and never doing me any good and everything just seems even more worthless than ever and i don't knwo why...i just don't feel like bothering with any of it anymore because livging is too much work and thinking is too muc hwork and trying to stay alive is way too much work and if i let people steamroll me all the tiem i might as well be dead because i can't evfer do wnhat i want anyway not that i've ever been able to becuse i can't ask for whati want and even when i ever did i never got it so i stoppped asking and just took whatevery body else told me to do and that's why i'm stuck here giong to this shittyyyyyy fuckign souutthern scfhool and feeeling cheated and mistreated because i don't know if i'm strong enough to tell eveyrbody to kiss my fucking ass i think i'd djust have to get up and leage everythign and try to start over somewhere but that's so fucking hard and it sounds fucked up but i miss you and it's a strange feeling and this is new because i've not felt this strongbly about another human being in my entire life and this is kidn of hard to type but i figure i'm so near the end i might as well stop tellnig my self no to everythi9gn and just let my fingers thype as the shit comes to my head which is why this is hard to erad and very fragmented but back to the topic at hand which is this feeling that i'm expanding and i'm bout to explode andf all apart andf eell good at all the same tiem adn i don't want to scare you or antying and i don't want you to feel liek you have to humor me because if this is just too strange i have to knwo and if i've cforssed a line i have to know because i just don't know how to interact with anyone and my entiere world is about tne feet by ten feet and it feels great taht you are out there andi can know that but i can't see it or feel it and that's not naything either of us can od about right now and that's me making the sasumption you woudl want to because the other ight you asked me if i thought being phsycially lesss distant would make matters any beteter nad i don't knwo if you ever had any comments on that yourself and rihgtn ow i can't really looked and i refuse to look at whati typed beauccse no matter whati ti si'm going to feel liek a foool because i don't belivei n mhyself at all adn rihgt now i feel like cryign and running and shooting myself and drifnknig and kilign a ing size bottle fo asprirn and i dno't know exaclty what is going on right now except that if i feel over right nwo dead i'd probably pray and thank whatever force decided i'd had enough because I HAVE HAD ENOUGH of everything and when i do get somethign to go my way ther's jsut something else that oges wrong bercause the forces of whateverthefuckisgoingon just like to dangle happiness in front of me like a beaten mule chasing a black wrinkeld carrot dangiling in front of his ehyes and if all thsi is too out of controrl for you i don't mean to be any sort of bother or burdern in your life i'm just so confused and sad and miserable and i'm diong the same thing a drownign man does when somene reaches out tohelp i'm grabibng hold and draggnig them with me but sincei 've talked ot you i haven't felt betteri na lnog time adn though it doens't seem like ti from thsi jumbled pile of wordmess it's true and i just dno't knwo what to do about it is i guess what my problem is and it just occurred otme that you asked how long i had see nyour fsight before meailing you, and it was only a day becausde i hd already not talked to gthis person in awhile, buti had planned to send her rhotse and just got so fedu p esp since i stuill haven't heard from hebr because i'm too muc work and she's tired of nursing me ro whatever because i don't knwo if its something about women ni general but i get this motheri ng instinct form eveyr girl i know and idon't mind it or antyhing i just cna't figure itout beacuse i all want is someone tobe miserable with to sfoten the razor days before we finally decidde to just fuck it and put ooru selves to sleep beacsue this warping of my soul is unfair and it cna't take many more twists unless i get some sort of medicine that doesn't make me want to down the whole bottle whchi hasn't happened yet and i don't think it will and you said in your journal that peopel are terrified that they'lll lose some part of themselves and i'm paralzyed by that thougth because this dark bleak world is al i've seen and i don't think i can picture a differetno ne and i HATE bveing alone sometimes because it'sj ust me nad my head and tha'ts a fucking war i can't ever win and i'm scaredi 'm going to end up with a knife sticking through my hand or my chest or my head if it gets too uot of contrl but we madea deal and i plan on asitkcing to it and this is enough bable for whatever amont of time it took me to do this adn i almost don't wnat to sendi t because i don't want to make you uncomfrotable or upset but this cannot sit and ferment or iw ll just lose my fuckign midn that siad, let me apologize for natyhign that you have read so far but its all true and i just odn't want to make you upset or anything and i'll bablle on forever about that if i don't jsut wrapi t up
i love you and if there werre some qualifif\er to put on that, i woudl, but jsut image the three words are 50 feet tall, dancing and are the most soothign and beautiful colors you can imagien
Belacqua
>From: Perdita
>To: Belacqua
>Subject: Re: hurricane
>Date: Thu, 16 Nov 2000
Belacqua,
Okay, calm down. What you forget is that I know exactly what it feels like to have those fucking swirling thoughts going out of control inside your head, and it doesn't seem at all crazy or strange or over the line or anything to me because I've been there. What would seem much more bothersome to me would be if you never had those moments of complete loss of control in your head. I don't understand people who don't lose control of their minds every once in awhile. I can't get them at all, but your little string of psychobabble makes perfect sense to me. I know what your head feels like and I know how intensely you want to die. It's damn near impossible to scare me, and I would never EVER give you shit for letting those thoughts come out of your head the way they want to. It's good that you can write them down at all, and I'm really glad you feel you can say them to me even if you feel awkward writing them or something.
Belacqua, I'm not gonna say there's a direct correlation, but I wouldn't be entirely surprised if the way you're feeling today is at least partially due to your drinking two nights ago. Whenever I drink these days, I feel awesome the next day like I'm almost happy to be alive, and then the day after that, I want to kill everyone on the fucking planet and I feel worse than I did to begin with. It's possible that the alcohol made the levels of your meds go really screwy and they're going a bit haywire now trying to figure out what the hell they're supposed to be doing. Despite the fact that drinking totally fucking rocks and it can help for a little while, it does fuck up the serotonin levels significantly. For several days after drinking, I go through those stages of feeling like I want to laugh, then cry, then laugh, then cry because my meds are totally fucking flipping random switches in my emotions, and if ever I feel like doing something totally fucking violent, it's usually within the first few days after drinking heavily.
To go kind of with your drowning man scenario, you should know that I'm certainly not standing on stable ground or anything and if you think you're gonna get magically pulled ashore by me, you're mistaken. I'm already in the water, trying desperately to keep myself afloat, and I can lend you a hand and try to support you, but I can't just pull you right out of the water. I don't want you to get that impression at all. I want and need you to reach out to me, but I can't promise that I'll always be perfectly stable myself. That doesn't mean you shouldn't come to me, but at some point, I could very well decide to just let us both drown.
Since you hinted at it, I think it's only fair that I tell you exactly what I think about us being closer to one another. I’m on an e-mail list that always sends me the best weekend airline fares. You only know about it three days ahead of time, but as soon as one near you pops up, I'm about ready to buy you a ticket and fly you up here for a weekend. I am literally stunned by the way our thoughts work so similarly and I am more than curious to meet you. Beyond a weekend trip, though, I can't tell. I have to meet you before I can see any further than that, and I have to tell you I'm a bit worried that you’ll meet me, not like me at all, and think the whole thing was a big mistake. I just don't know. That's why I was curious about how you felt about it because I kept getting wrapped up in how wonderful everything would be if only we were closer, but then again, what if we don't like each other? I love you and your words and your voice, but I don’t know what it will be like in person. What if we're too real? What if you meet me and all of a sudden something discounts the way you feel about me? I don't know if I want to lose that. It's definitely something I'd worry about, but I'm so goddamn curious to SEE that I just don't know. So those are my confusing thoughts on the subject.
Try not to do anything too drastic today. I know that's a lot to ask, and I even hate to ask it, but I really need to know that you're not going to just give up without me. At least wait until you can visit me, and then we'll fuck some shit up together.
I love you.
Perdita
>>From: Belacqua
>>To: Perdita
>>Subject: slight urgency
>>Date: Fri, 17 Nov 2000
I really need to get in touch with you this morning. I found a flight I can get on this afternoon at 3:20, but i have to book it 6 hours in advance and I want to make sure it's alright if I come and that you will be there. If you cannot call, please e-mail me as quickly as possible....
Belacqua