>>From: Belacqua
>>To: Perdita
>>Subject: Re: finished
>>Date: Fri, 10 Nov 2000

Considering the type of day I had yesterday, it's a small wonder I can even go to school today. I had about the closest thing to a total breakdown that I've ever had, and I ended up in the hospital. Everything was shaking, I couldn't stop crying, I was writhing on the bed, and I just felt like clawing my eyes out or something. It felt like I was going to genuinely lose my mind. It was definitely the worst experience I've had yet with this bitch in my brain.

The whole thing kind of came about because of my girlfriend. She and I have been having trust problems, and when we talked last night, I ended up feeling like such a piece of shit that I was downright convinced she would be better off without me, and when I'm in that state of mind, I'm the single most indecisive person in the world. First she asked if it was someone else (you) and I couldn't answer her because I was so separated from any emotions other than the drive to be completely alone, and it felt like the decisions she wanted me to make were tearing me in half. Everything she said just kept echoing in my head and I couldn't think of anything but the words in the question and I was trying to make sense of it, but it didn't make any sense to me and I just kept getting more and more confused about everything and I felt like I didn't know where I was. I wanted to scream but I couldn't for the sobbing and my teeth were clenched shut and if I spoke I just kept repeating that I was a horrible piece of shit and I would only make her miserable for the rest of her life and hurt her. I told her I don’t have the emotional capacity to carry on a relationship because I just always feel so empty and nothing at all makes me happy.

Today, I have this strange mask on where I bury the depression under the pretense of having fun. I’m trying to hide it from everybody, but I just feel so unreal. They didn't really have time to give me any tranquilizers or anything at the hospital because I had calmed down a little by the time I got there. Had I been alone, I have no idea what I would have done because when that happens, I just can't think coherently at all. I don't have any control, and it's like this giant black flower of depression just burst open and threw its rancid pollen over everything inside of me. I feel death creeping closer and closer. When I die, I want to see it coming. I want to fall asleep and KNOW I'm never going to wake up again. I want to feel the calm you feel when you know you're going to be at peace. I've never had that. For right now, I'm alive and calm, though not better at all. I'll have to call my doctor very soon because these attacks are no fun at all. Inside, I feel like I've been dragged through hell, burst from a volcano and landed in a pile of broken glass saturated with vinegar. Outside, you can't see it. It's so amazing what people miss in others’ eyes.

I sincerely hope you had a better night last night than I did. And I hope your day is continuing well, even though it began with my disturbing news.

I love you.
Belacqua

---

>From: Perdita
>To: Belacqua
>Subject: Re: finished
>Date: Fri, 10 Nov 2000

Belacqua,

There's a very interesting thing about mental issues and psychiatric medications in that they put us into a world that people just plain can't understand, and yet everybody expects us to keep living in THEIR world. I don't think there's a whole lot to be done about that. I'm glad to hear that you're feeling at least a bit better, but I wish you could've been magically cured over the past few hours.

A few months ago, some girl contacted me through my website and started interviewing me for a grad school project she was doing about the relationship between bipolar disorder and creativity. One of the things she asked me that was probably the most difficult thing to answer was whether or not I would prefer to be entirely mentally sound. And the truth of the matter is that I really don't think I'd want to live life thinking everything was fine, if it meant I'd be unaware of the things I know now. It's my whole purpose in life to be made aware of whatever's going on around me. I don't want to be one of the mindless little fucks wandering through life because that's what I'm supposed to do. I WANT to be able to look at life the way I look at it. Regardless of how much I hate it sometimes and how much I wish I didn't have to be the one to feel like shit all the time, I really don't think I'd want to live without it. I rather appreciate the fact that I know things most of the people on the planet will never know.

The reason I bring this up is because I'm suddenly reminded of the fact that, while I know you entirely psychologically, there are people who still know you physically and personally. It's really difficult for me to envision how people see me in their worlds, so I've for the most part given up on that and begun to live in my head. I CAN function in their world, but that's not who I am and it's not who I want to be. The moment someone decides I can no longer waste their time by living mostly in my head, I'll have to figure out a way to end it all. It's a very strange juggling act that isn't at all easy to continue.

Belacqua, I don't want to cause any additional problems in your life, and if I am, please let me know. I'm sure your girlfriend is doing whatever she can to be understanding and supportive. It's not like everyone in the world can understand what you must feel like all the time. If she's willing to work with you and try to help, then I can't really see much harm in your relationship with her. The fact that she's trying to understand or work with you is really a good thing, provided you want to be with her. I think you're really going to have to think about that one. Do you know why you're together with her?

Incidentally, I know exactly what you mean about the whole words echoing through your head when you're supposed to be answering a question or something. And the indecisiveness has definitely been an issue with me for a long time.

I hope you are feeling at least a little better. If you can, try to convince yourself you've already taken a bottle of sleeping pills before you go to bed. It can make for an extremely peaceful night's sleep. But don't you dare actually do it. We have an agreement on this, remember?

I love you.
Perdita