>>From: Belacqua
>>To: Perdita
>>Subject: Re: an interesting night
>>Date: Wed, 01 Nov 2000

It’s always interesting reading your e-mails. I just read one where you were looking for a sympathy card to send someone and how people should send sympathy cards for what you are going through. Then you were talking about how people don’t seem to care about how much you hurt, and I remembered what I had written to you about suicide being bittersweet, and in my own strange way, I felt like I had addressed what you had just brought up. Death shouldn't be sympathized, it should be celebrated, and the law should recognize that sometimes people are just tired of living. By justifying a potential suicide, I felt like I was affirming your right to happiness because you do deserve to be happy, and we can only fight against what is making us unhappy for so long.

I’ve been told that I have to fight the disease, but it feels like I’m fighting with lead weights tied to my hands. Sometimes you just have to stop fighting against it because maybe you just can't be happy here. I still have this miniscule grain of hope that somewhere something is going to go my way and it will feel good to be alive, but that hope may be gone soon. Why should I stay around if I know I’d be happier dead? It's unfair for other people to ask that of you or me.

I downloaded those two songs you said you used to listen to all the time. The Jane Siberry song is so haunting. It's great. The Oingo Boingo song is long and I haven't gotten the chance to hear it all yet, but the children chanting is spooky and the song is so dark that I can't help but like what I’ve heard.

At any rate, I don't feel horrible right now, and I thank you for being an enormous part of that. I take a lot comfort from you. I can never adequately express thanks. Just imagine the largest thing you can imagine and then make it bigger, and that's one letter of the phrase "thank you."

Hope to read you soon...
Belacqua

---

>From: Perdita
>To: Belacqua
>Subject: Re: an interesting night
>Date: Thu, 02 Nov 2000

Belacqua,

I don't know why you're thanking me. I should be thanking you. It's so easy for me to think I'm the only one going through something like this. I know people who THINK they understand, but they really don't. Or they'll understand to a certain degree, and then assume the rest. That just doesn’t cut it for me. Just knowing you're there and struggling with some of the same issues makes me feel a little bit of a reason to stay alive. I promise if I ever decide I've had enough, I'll let you know, as long as you promise me the same thing. And if you ever decide you need to massacre a bunch of people or blow something up, just let me know and I'll join you. :)

And thank you SO MUCH for understanding the whole death thing. I think you're the only person I've ever encountered who could actually tell me they'd be happy for me if I killed myself. So many people just can't get that at all. You're right; it would be bittersweet.

I hope to hear from you soon.
Perdita