>>From: Belacqua
>>To: Perdita
>>Subject: I never know what to put here...
>>Date: Thu, 26 Oct 2000

Hi. I'm a 19 year old college student, and I've suffered from major depression, social anxiety, generalized anxiety, OCD, paranoid, and borderline disorders according to the therapists I've seen. I've been suicidal for about half my life and can't ever do it because I can't bear to think about the reactions of the few friends I have. I hate to make anyone else miserable. I have come close, though. I ended up in the psychiatric ward of a hospital because of it (only for a night), but that was really the only time I've admitted to a therapist a suicide plan/attempt/backout/whatever….

I'm taking 3 antidepressants right now (counting them, I've been on 6 different drugs in under a year). I've been hooked on alcohol, I'm an on/off smoker, depending really on how awful I feel…. One of the things in your journal that really struck me was when you were talking about being lonely, and not lonely for lack of human companionship, but lonely for lack of understanding. My god do I know about that. I feel completely isolated from everyone I know because they have no idea what is eating away at my mind. They cannot conceive of the torture that I am almost always undergoing. They all say "just shrug it off" or "you just need to get out more" like the first is possible and the second will do any good. Nobody understands "why" I'm depressed. They just can't see that I just AM...there's no reason...if there was a reason, I'd be damn glad to find it out and fix it. I bubble over with things I can't tell anybody, and I write poetry and read constantly trying to find someone else who has experienced anything that is going on with me, someone who knows what it's about, who can say "ouch" and really mean it because they've felt it before. Of course the bad thing is that I can't ever communicate with these musicians or authors or poets; I just have to take what they say and find some solace in that.

I guess that's why I decided to e-mail you: because I don't have anyone to talk to, and I was crying so hard an hour ago I couldn't breathe, and I didn't really want to. Now all of a sudden it seems like maybe I've found someone who knows what I mean. I know you're busy and probably upset that this is such a long e-mail, but this is so much stuff that I've sat on for so long that I can't help but ramble. So, anyway, I have to see if my shrink forgot to phone in my meds again and then plan a wonderfully dismal evening at home with my dog.

Thanks for existing,
Belacqua

>>"I have never ceased looking at the sky and I never shall. The azures and
>>ultramarines of disappointment and joy come only from it. The blessings
>>of weather shall always exceed the office of our calling and turn our
>>words, without warning, into the petals of a huge and inexhaustible rose."
>>-- Mark Strand

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>From: Perdita
>To: Belacqua
>Subject: Re: I never know what to put here...
>Date: Fri, 27 Oct 2000

Belacqua,

I don't think anyone's ever thanked me for existing before. I'm glad you exist, too. I am never too busy for long, involved e-mails from people who've been to the innermost reaches of a depressed brain.

If anyone knows what it's like to be lonely even with friends, I do. If anyone knows what it's like to want to commit suicide so badly but not be able to do it because of those friends, I do. I'm so glad to hear that I'm not the only person who's alive solely for the sake of other people. It hurts, and I KNOW it hurts.

It sounds to me like we probably have a lot in common. I don't want to pry, but I'd be interested in knowing more about you. If you've read parts of my journal, you probably know quite a bit about me. What are you studying in school? What drugs are you on? Can you just give me a little more info about yourself?

If you've read my more recent journal entries, you probably came across the one where I say how much I love my e-mail friends. I'd really like to learn more about you, and I'd really like to be able to talk about some things with you. I've met a lot of people online, but I've never heard from someone who had so MANY issues similar to mine (e.g. depression, anxiety, paranoia, OCD,...). It's not too difficult to find people who've been depressed, but it IS rather difficult to find people who also have the anxiety and other things to make it feel even worse. It's my opinion that the anxiety just grates away at and aggravates the depression so much that it eventually feels like it's tearing you apart. Depression itself is more subdued.

I have to be honest and tell you that when you said you were crying so hard you couldn't breathe, I wished so intensely that I could be there for you. I can't cry, but I've been so overcome with frustration and horror that I've collapsed onto the floor and felt like I was heaving with tears. It's difficult for me to conceive of anyone else having to bear with what I've been through because I know what the indescribable pain has done to me, and I can't even begin to express how much I wish no one else had to go through it. If there's anything I can do to help, I'm more than willing to try.

Thank you for writing and please stay in touch. I hope to hear from you soon.

Best,
Perdita