Damn It All to Hell

Chapter 18

I’m shaking so much I’m standing still. I’m frozen in disbelief after the travesty I just witnessed. Gavin is dead. Gavin is dead. I saw the same picture, the same situation, the same killer, time and time and time again. I saw Gavin in the back of that cab. I saw this beautiful, innocent creature of a woman, following me like a lost little kitten. I saw the black sports car and the long-haired, trench coat wearing killer. I saw Gavin’s blood everywhere. I saw the piece of his skull protruding from the back of the driver’s seat in the cab in vivid, living color. I saw it all dozens of times, and yet it still comes as a surprise.

I knew he was going to die young. I saw it coming, and I still was unprepared. I still couldn’t have made this any better. It’s funny how people tell you to appreciate things while you have them; you can listen to them and ponder the possibility that your youth will end, and the best years of your life will end, and all you’ll have to do for the rest of your life is continue to think back on them and wonder what could have made them better. People always say you don’t know what you have till it’s gone, but that’s not true. You can only hear that so many times before you start to become a little too paranoid about everything ending. For me, it got to the point where I decided to drag a camera along everywhere I went just so I could take picture after picture to ensure that my memories would remain intact forever. Then I realized I was missing out on all my memories by hiding behind a camera all the time. You have to live, you have to experience, you have to enjoy life while you have it, but you can’t stop to think about when it’s going to end. It’s not the same as taking things for granted. I lived my friendship with Gavin to the fullest, and I’m still shocked, angry, and sad that it’s gone. I still miss him, and I will miss him forever. I’ll hate his murderer forever. I’ll see both of them in my dreams, and I’ll have to live with what happened forever. I’ll be tortured relentlessly through every moment of every day. I’ll be living in hell and knowing it, and I’ll be all too aware that it, too, will end. I wish it would just end now.

I couldn’t have done anything differently to help myself get through this. Nothing could have prepared me for this. I couldn’t have made myself appreciate having Gavin as a friend any more than I did. If anything, I probably would have been better off enjoying the time to its fullest without having to worry about the fact that it was all going to come to an end. I wish I hadn’t seen his death so many times before. I wish no one had ever told me to make sure I appreciate things while I have them. I wish I could bring him back. I wish I could watch the man in the trench coat die over and over again. I have so much hate in my body that the only way to get rid of it is to physically exert it onto someone else. All of my hate keeps building and building until I just can’t do anything to hold it inside. I couldn’t have done anything differently.

I can’t focus on anything. The car is freezing cold, and I don’t even have the energy to start the engine. I couldn’t even be sure the heater would work, anyway. My best friend is dead. Trista, the angel I have come to love with all my heart and soul, is a killer. My angel is a killer.

I had hoped Trista would never see things as I know them. Of course, I had also hoped that Gavin wouldn’t die so young. I knew she was going to be an accomplice to murder. I knew she had it in her, but who could’ve guessed it would happen so soon? How could I have known that all this would happen in a matter of two short days?! My life is falling apart around me. I feel as though the ground is going to shift apart and swallow me into the center of this miserable Earth.

I didn’t want her to have to know life as I know it. She was so close, but she didn’t have to embrace it like I did! She didn’t have to suffer this much! Oh, but she did! The poor girl! As much as I hate the hate itself, the hate that constantly swells and falls within me, the hate that overwhelms the casing that is my flesh and blood, as much as I hate, I also love. I love Trista to every extreme of my hate. I love her as much as I hate the rest of the world. Oh my God, I don’t know what to do.

Gavin is dead. My best friend in the whole world is dead. He’s dead!

Trista...I want to hold her, but I can’t move. I’m so stiff I can’t even move my eyes. I can’t see anything but the frosted windshield and the spot of blood that dried on my nose. And the scene of Trista pulling the trigger and watching that horrible man die. I love her with all my heart. I love her. I love her. I want to tell her it’s okay. I want to tell her everything I know! I want to take her and show her the things that are in my head so she can understand that it’s all okay! It’s all okay because we have each other. It’s all okay because even though we are unfortunate enough to understand how awful our existence on earth can be, we still have each other. At least we know someone else feels our pain. At least we know of one other person in the world who can relate to the reality we know.

This can’t be right. It simply can’t be that something as horrendous as the curse Trista and I have been condemned to endure should exist. It just can’t be. How could this have happened? It all used to make sense! It all made sense until my best friend died. Now I sit here, frozen to the steering wheel, hoping that Trista isn’t frozen to death, and knowing that I can’t fix anything!

That’s it: I can’t handle being out of control. It’s intolerable. It’s unacceptable. I will not stand for this. I can’t believe this is what was meant to be. Why do bad things always happen to good people? It doesn’t make any sense! The world has such a tragic sense of irony. The world seems to hate me as much as I hate it, but the world made me hate it first. The world told me to hate it. The world tore me apart when I was thirteen. All I’ve ever known is pain, hatred, and death. How am I supposed to handle this? How am I supposed to believe that it all happens for a reason? It’s all meaningless! I never did anything to deserve this! I never did anything that would require a punishment like the one I’ve been tolerating for my entire life. It doesn’t make any sense at all!

Inside this car are two human beings who know and love one another. Inside this car are two normal human beings who just happen to also be murderers. We have both killed. We’ve taken a human life. And it’s not our fault! We took a life because we knew we had to. There was no way around what we’ve done. It was meant to be and we did what was intended. It just doesn’t make any sense that it has to be this way. Why us?

I don’t know if I’m breathing or not. I can’t feel the freezing air that must be entering my nostrils, filling my lungs, sustaining the life of my despair. I can’t feel my hands, or my legs, or my head, or my heart. Everything is numb, and yet I feel pain. I can’t believe Gavin is dead.

Why? Why does he have to be dead? Why does life have to involve death? Why do I have to watch life and death in four dimensions of maddening horror and endless tragedy? Why? Why?! And who can I kill because of it?!

Trista...Gavin...Me...Trista...Gavin...I think I’m losing my mind...I don’t know where to go...I don’t know what to do...I don’t know who...

‘Oh shit.’