Damn It All to Hell

Chapter 15

She’s glowing like a cherub or a goddess who’s come down from her place among the clouds in the heavens. She’s the most beautiful being to ever grace the face of this loathsome earth. It’s like she’s not even human. She’s more than human. She’s like me.

The poor girl...I wish there was an easy way to explain things to her. She was so willing and eager. I could see the trust in her eyes. She knew something unusual was happening; she just didn’t know what. She’s so young and innocent. Tears come into my eyes every time I look at her. I can’t believe I found her.

She’s breathing heavily, but she seems relaxed. She looks so small and fragile, but she’s such a fighter. She never wavered in her resolve to stand up to me. She’s so strong and so frail. She’s everything that complements its opposite.

Her cheeks are still flushed, and her chest is heaving. Her lips are slightly parted, as though they’re ready to overflow with poetry and impassioned kisses. She’s like a rose. She’s like a rose whose wonder lies in the fragility and brevity of her amazing beauty, her ability to fight against an undying tide of misfortune.

She’s so beautiful that I don’t know what to do with her. She’s the embodiment of perfection, the epitome of strength and power, and she’s allowing me to become one with her.

She’s starting to move. I don’t know how to explain this to her. I don’t want to scare her. I don’t want her to be scared or overwhelmed by finding out too much, but she’s already discovered so much on her own. She’s my other half. She’s my soul mate. She’s my doppelganger. We’re the only two of our kind in the world.

Her eyes have opened. She’s staring at me calmly, with the slightest trace of fear hidden behind an undeniable placidity of exhaustion. This is going to take some time. I guess I never really expected it to be easy.

“Edan?”

Suddenly, I don’t know what to say. Her beauty overwhelms me, the honest naivety of her unspoken inquiry makes me melt beneath my disbelief. She doesn’t know why, but she believes all is well. She knows she’s in the right place. She’s given herself to me. ‘Trista.’

She’s looking at me blankly now, like she wants to ask, but doesn’t know where to start. She’s torn between two worlds, and she doesn’t know which way to turn. I want to do anything to comfort her.

“Edan....”

‘Yes, it was real.’

“...what was real?”

The pain, the blood, the ecstasy, the death, the horror, the unbelievable strength you showed me in your quest to discover your destiny.... ‘We are real.’ This isn’t going anywhere. She’s getting more confused by the second. She’s still shaking off the last threads of sleep, and she’s slowly approaching wakefulness with an easily recognizable uncertainty.

‘We are real.’ She’s looking at me like I’m crazy now. Perhaps I should be a little more detailed in my description.

“Edan, what’s going on?”

What do I say? How do I answer that? I don t know where to begin. ‘Well, it’s hard to explain...’

“...I think you need to tell me something -- anything.”

Yes, there is something I need to tell you. It’s swirling around in my brain. It’s visions of death, blood, horror, pain, and screams from the mouths of every person I’ve ever known. It’s hell on earth, and it’s chosen you and me. It’s chosen the two of us. Thank God we’ve found each other or we would have no one. We’d be lost. We’d be abandoned, left alone to face the world of hellish, torturous, fiendish disgust for and dread of all things human. All things human are behind us now and how do I tell her?! I can’t think of a beginning or an end, any way to explain, any word of comfort for this poor, defenseless creature before me who trusted me with her life and is looking to me for help.... What do I say?!

“Edan?”

‘Yes?’

“Now, I’m afraid.”

I knew it. I’ve scared her. I’ve taken things too far, I’ve done too much, I’ve gone beyond what was in my power to do. I fucked up, and I hate myself for it. What can I possibly tell her that will make all of this understandable? What can I possibly say that will make it okay? Where can this possibly lead that is in any way a good or worthwhile place? I’ve made a horrible, horrible mistake! Maybe I should tell her it was all a dream. I’ll ask her what she’s scared of, and when she tells me, I’ll tell her it must’ve been a dream. How could I have done this to her? But she’ll never believe it was a dream. She’ll know I’m lying before even I recognize it...

“Edan...? Help me....”

Oh my God, she’s crying! I’ve turned the most beautiful being in the world into a lost little child without any means for finding her way home! I’ve destroyed everything good in the world! I’ve done the most horrendously despicable, most atrociously vile deed ever conceived in the mind of man! But am I man? How do I know what....

“Edan!”

‘I’m sorry...’

“You’re sorry? You’re sorry?! No! Sorry won’t work! Tell me what the hell is going on and tell me right now!”

‘Trista?’ She’s raising one eyebrow in contempt for everything I am, everything I stand for, everything I’ve given to her and taken from her. She doesn’t trust me anymore. She won’t believe a word I say now. It doesn’t matter what I try to say to explain myself. Now I’m the one who needs help! I don’t know! I’ve never felt so unsure of anything in my entire life!

“Edan...tell me it’s okay. I just need to hear you say it’s okay.”

Is everything okay? I don’t know. ‘Everything’s fine. We’ll be fine.’ I have to hold her right now. Every male instinct I have is on guard, waiting for her to run to me and burrow into my embrace, while I squeeze her until I’m certain to have choked all of the uncertainties, hatreds, misconceptions, and questions out of her tortured soul!

Thank God! She’s coming towards me. She does need to be in my arms. She does need to feel protected. She knows that I’m going to try everything in my power to help her get through this ord....

‘What the hell was that for?!’ She just slapped me in the face!

“What the hell was that for?! Are you serious?! Do you have any idea what you’ve just done to me?! Do you have any concept of the pain I’ve been through in my lifetime?! Do you have the slightest clue?! I don’t think you do! I don’t think you know anything! You don’t...”

Oh my God. She’s bawling. She’s shedding tears of the most hideous pain that’s ever been felt by a living beast. She’s releasing tears from a body that hates her and wants her dead. How could I have been so cruel to assume that my life to this point has been the worst ever lived? How could I have been so wrong? How could I not have known that this beautifully amazing creature before me has been falling apart the whole while I’ve known her! I only just met her, and I feel like I’ve known her my whole life. I’m tasting a fragment of her pain right now. I know how horrible she’s felt for most of her time on earth. I know what it’s like. And yet, I know it’s not enough. The pain exuding from her eyes is ten times deeper than my own. This girl has the strength of ten men. This girl has defeated life. She has defeated everything that’s ever been a threat to anyone, except the fear of not knowing. This girl needs the truth, and she needs it now. Please, please let the words come to me as I try to speak of truth and reason and the life she has been condemned to live forever!...

“...know. You don’t know, you don’t know, you don’t know....”

She’s beyond words. She’s beyond the ability to express herself through something so limited as words. If she could inflict half of her pain onto me right now, it wouldn’t be nearly enough. I need to be punished for the travesty I’ve committed. I need to make it up to her somehow. I need to be forgiven by her. I need to do something. Goddammit, Edan, say something! Where are my words?

She’s shaking in my embrace. She’s hiding in my arms, trying to forget that anything has happened to make her feel like less of a fighter. She feels vulnerable and crushed, like she’s going to burst into a thousand pieces at any moment! I can feel the uncertainty emanating from her being.

‘Trista, I don’t know. You’re right: I don’t know. I don’t know what you’ve been through. But I know I can help you!’ Quick, think of something,...think, think, think!...

“What could you possibly do?...”

Her voice is hopeless and tense, distraught and confused, convinced of defeat. Her voice is weakening, her strength is deteriorating,...I feel like I’ve ruined her. The tears are coming to my eyes again. I can’t tolerate the pain she brings to me! I was trying to help her! Now I can’t even think of something to say to....

Her neck. Of course! ‘Trista, come here.’ She’s not very agreeable right now. Well, of course she’s not. I haven’t exactly been proving my trustworthiness. I have to drag her over to the mirror. She’s so beautiful, even as she believes she’s falling apart.

She can’t even open her eyes. She’s terrified of what she might see. She’s fighting me and fighting me, but somehow hoping against hope that maybe I can explain. I still have a chance. ‘Trista, open your eyes.’

“I...I...”

I think she’s going to faint. I have to solve this now. ‘Trista, open your eyes!’ Thank God! They’re opening!

‘Trista, it’s okay! Everything’s okay!’ She’s not buying any of this. I don’t know if I am, either. She’s trying to calm her breathing. Breathe...

“You son of a bitch!”

‘Sh...sh...just relax, Trista. It’s okay.’ My masculine instincts again take over, and I’m holding her head against my chest to stroke her hair. There’s nothing I want more than for her to trust me for just one more moment.

“What...”

‘Trista, look at your neck.’ She’s closing her eyes and turning away. She looks terrified of both herself and me, and she has nowhere else to go. ‘Trista, look at your neck!’

She’s finally giving in. I think she’s decided that she just can’t fight anymore, and this is only the beginning. She’ll discover the truth soon enough. I’m starting to collect myself again. My God, what she does to me!

“But...”

‘Trista, do you see anything on your neck?’

“...no...”

‘Don’t you think there should be something on your neck?’

“...the knife...where’s the knife?”

Shit, I don’t know where I put the knife. ‘We don’t need the knife anymore. Trista, your neck!’

“There are no...there’s no blood.”

‘There’s nothing there.’

“Nothing...”

She looks stunned and, if it’s possible, even more disconcerted than before. ‘Trista, this is real.’

“What is real?”

‘This.’ I just slit my wrists. I had to convince her to believe something. The blood is such a beautiful color, spraying out of my arms like it’s been dying to escape....

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,...”

She’s backing away from me now. ‘Trista, look!’ I want her to watch as the wound closes, as it heals itself without any help from me, or a god, or any other outside force. I want her to know!

“...Edan,...what are you?...”

‘Trista, it’s not what I am. It’s what we are.’ Christ, why are words so useless?

“We?”

‘Yes, we.’ She looks horrified. She looks like she just discovered that she has an alternate personality that kills people and doesn’t regret it. Her pure soul won’t allow for the realization. It’ll kill her.

‘Trista, it’s okay. It’s not a bad thing, really!’ Well, not all the time, anyway.

“How...how...”

‘Trista, you have to trust me.’ Okay, this sounds pitiful, I know. Just a little while ago, I was holding a knife to her throat and cutting her insides out. It might take a little more than that for me to convince her to trust me.

“How can you say that?! I don’t believe you! What’s wrong with you?”

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. I want to show her, but she has to come to me herself. I can’t force her into anything. She looks like she’s studying my face. She’s scrutinizing every emotion she can find in my eyes.

“Edan...I want to trust you...but I don’t know...”

‘It’s going to take some time.’ Who knows how much time? She’s staring at me blankly, but with a strange sort of longing. She looks like she wants to ask me something but doesn’t know how.

“Edan,...I should leave right now...”

‘Please don’t!’ No, no! Not now! I’m so close!

“...but I can’t.”

She can’t? That’s not exactly what I was expecting, but I’m glad she’s giving me some more time.

“I need to ask you something.”

‘Anything.’

“Why?”

‘Why, what?’

“Why do we see people die? Do you know? That’s all I want to know. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt here. Either you come up with a logical explanation, or I’m leaving.”

Right now? She should know it’ll take a little more time than that to explain everything. ‘Come here.’ We might as well get comfortable by the fire while we talk. She’s hesitant to follow me, but she’s taking my hand. It’s the strangest force we have at work here. There’s not a lot of time to kill during the walk from the bedroom to the livingroom. I have to find somewhere to start...and soon....

‘First off, are you okay?’

“I’m not sure.”

‘Not sure about what?’

“I’m not sure about anything right now. As far as being alive is concerned, yeah, I’m okay. But as far as being sane goes, I don’t know how I am.”

‘Trista, it’s not you!’

“Well, what is it then?! I’m getting really fucking sick of trying to deal with things I don’t understand! If you can’t help me with this, I’m gonna go get one of your knives and fucking kill myself right in front of you!”

My God, it hurts to hear her say things like that, but finally she’s given me something to go on! ‘You won’t do that.’

“Try me.”

‘I know you’re not going to do that.’

“How the hell would you know?”

‘I know.’ She doesn’t know how to respond now. She’s looking at me like she just doesn’t know how to talk to me. She looks frustrated, exasperated, and just plain confused. She’s shaking her head, sitting there looking as beautiful as ever, but she has such a pained expression on her face. I think I’d better just start talking.

“Are you gonna explain that to me?”

‘I’m trying, but, Trista, you have to hear me through.’

“I’m listening.”

‘Okay. You saw your parents die...’

“No, I saw my parents dead. I didn’t see them die.”

‘Well, it was traumatic, right?’

“Yes.”

‘When did you start seeing other people die?’

“Real people? I’ve never seen anyone else die.”

‘But you said earlier that you see people die all the time!’

“Yeah, but they’re not real. They’re just in my head.”

‘No, they’re not.’

“What do you mean, ‘No, they’re not’?”

‘I mean they’re not just in your head. They’re real, too.’

“What the hell are you talking about?”

‘This is the part I don’t know how to explain.’

“Well, you sure as hell better fucking try.”

‘I am trying! Trista, when do you see the people in your head die?’

“When don’t I?”

‘So it happens a lot, right?’

“Yeah...?”

‘Well, what if you were seeing real people dying? These people exist, they just don’t actually die in front of you.’

“You mean they die somewhere else?”

‘Exactly.’

“That’s impossible.”

‘No, it’s not.’

“How the fuck would you know that?”

‘It’s a long story.’

“I’m waiting.”

Well, here goes. ‘Okay...where to start?...You see,...after my parents died, I was in a coma for three months. And during those three months, I started having dreams about people dying.’

“Okay...?”

‘I had so many of these dreams that when I came out of the coma, I couldn’t so much as look at another person without seeing them die.’

“Okay...?”

‘Trista,...sometimes the people were people I knew, and they always ended up dying like I saw them die in my head.’ I sound crazy even to myself. She’s probably not buying a word of what I’m saying. She looks oddly disturbed.

“Does everyone you know die unexpectedly?”

‘No, I know lots of people who’ve lived very long lives.’

“It seems a little strange.”

‘You’re telling me.’ Strange is putting it simply. I know it’s hard to believe. I might not have believed it myself if I hadn’t seen...

“Are you saying we’re seeing the future?”

‘In a way, but not really.’

“But we see people die before they’re dead, and they always end up dying the way we saw it happen?”

‘Um,...well, yeah. The surroundings can sometimes be different, but the actual way they die is always the same.’

“What if I’m not like you? Maybe that’s true for you. That doesn’t make it true for me.”

‘Of course not, but Trista, these visions have given me a perspective on life that I’ve never been able to find in another human being ever. I believe you have this gift.’

“This gift?! You call this a gift?! I see my best friends lying dead in front of me, and you call it a GIFT?!”

‘Yes, I think it’s a gift.’

“HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?!”

‘Because, Trista, we see things other people don’t see. We’re different.’

“We’re crazy!”

‘We’re special, Trista! We’re like gods!’

“WE’RE FUCKED IN THE HEAD!”

‘STOP IT! WOULD YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME?!’ Oops. I didn’t mean to yell. I don’t want to scare her away now. We’re finally getting somewhere.

“Edan, this is a little hard to grasp. It’s a little hard for me to consider this a reality...”

‘That’s exactly what it is! It’s a reality! It’s our reality! It’s us seeing what we know to be true. Everyone else only sees what they know to be true in the living, breathing world around them! We know the world of the dead! We know truths that no one else in the world knows! Don’t you think that’s amazing?!’

“No, Edan, I think it’s scary.”

‘I thought you weren’t afraid of anything?’

“I wasn’t before. How can I be afraid of things in the real world when the things in my head are always worse?”

‘The things in your head aren’t worse than the things in the real world, Trista. The things in your head actually happen in the world, you just don’t see it in the waking reality that everyone else knows. You see it in a higher concentration than the people in their waking reality.’

“I don’t want to be different.”

‘You’re better than different, Trista. You’re amazing.’ Wait, she’s crying again. Why is she crying? ‘What’s wrong?’

“I can’t watch people die anymore! I want the visions to stop! I want to be like all the normal people out there, wandering around with a solid reality and a solid fantasy and nothing interfering with their personal acceptance of it!”

I can’t watch her cry anymore! I want her to stop crying! I need her to accept it and stay with me, not reject it and leave me alone to face my reality! ‘Trista, we need each other.’

“How do we know which is which?”

‘What?’

“How do we know which reality is which? When we see someone die, how do we know if it’s happening in the waking reality, or our reality?”

‘What do you mean?’ She’s starting to believe me!

“How do we know if we’re witnessing a death at its actual moment in everyone else’s waking reality? If we see it all the time, how will we know when it’s not just a vision?! People are gonna see us standing there just watching! They’re gonna think we just don’t care! They’re gonna think we’re crazy!...”

This is entirely true. I’ve never actually run into that problem, though. I’ve thought about it, but I didn’t really worry about it.

“...They’re gonna think we’re sitting there, staying out of the way because we don’t want to get involved and we don’t want to help! They’re gonna think we’re horrible people because we didn’t try to find out what was going on sooner! They’re gonna think it’s all my fault!”

What the hell is she talking about? ‘Trista...why would it be your fault?’

“Because I didn’t help sooner...I should’ve helped sooner...it might not have happened if I had gone out sooner...it’s all my fault...it’s always my fault...”

She’s collapsed onto the floor, weeping hysterically like she can’t conceive of anything in the world being worse than what she’s feeling right now. She’s been completely stripped of all her hope, and it’s all my fault. ‘Trista, it’s not your fault.’

“It’s all my fault...it’s all my fault...”

‘Trista, no....Trista, NO!’ I can’t stand this. I would give anything in the world right now to make her stop! She’s beating herself up over something she can’t control! She’s trying to fight a war against the unstoppable army of death. ‘Trista!’ I wish there was some way to convince her that this isn’t just an unbelievable dream, but it’s hopeless. She has to choose whether or not to believe me. I know with the two of us, we’ll be able to fight, but each of us on our own forever? That, I’m not so sure about.

Wait a second. ‘Trista, you don’t think your parents’ deaths were your fault, do you?’

“Of course it was my fault! I was just down the hallway, listening to my mother sobbing and choking to death on her own blood, and I didn’t do anything to stop it! I didn’t do anything! I’m being punished for disregarding my own mother’s cries for help! I’ve been cursed with this! I can’t stand it anymore!”

Oh my God. What a horrible, horrible thing to live with. What a horrible thing to think! ‘Trista, your parents’ deaths don’t have anything to do with you! How could you have known?!’

Her swollen eyes are looking into mine with the most painfully aching heart I’ve ever seen. I can see her soul in her eyes. I can see her soul, and I know she’s done nothing wrong in her entire life. I know her parents’ deaths have nothing to do with neglect on her part. How old did she say she was at the time? Fifteen? Sixteen? What could she have done?

“If I’d had this ‘gift’ of mine before, I would’ve known!”

She’s dying from the torture inside her own pained heart. She’s cursing herself, and her soul is trying to defeat her body. She doesn’t know if she should fight against herself or just give in. The poor girl is torn to pieces. ‘You wouldn’t have the gift at all if it wasn’t for your parents’ deaths.’

“How do you know? How do you know this isn’t something I could’ve learned on my own? How do you know there was nothing I could’ve done? There’s no way to know!”

‘Trista...’ This is an easy one. ‘Our fates are previously determined. There’s no way to change it. Have you ever seen the same person die the same way more than once?’

“Yes...?”

‘They’ll always die the same way, and even if you try to stop it, it’ll end the same. You can’t change fate.’

“How do you know?”

‘Trista, I made love to you with an eight-inch dagger. I slit my own wrists in front of you. We can’t die until we die our natural death! Well, at least we can’t die a death other than our predetermined death.’

She’s pondering that one. She seems to have forgotten that all those things happened to her within the last twelve hours. She seems to have forgotten everything except the hellish pain. She seems to have forgotten how much I need her. She seems to have forgotten why she came here in the first place. Maybe I shouldn’t have told her. The girl looks like she’s watching herself lose a war, like she just stepped off the battleground, not knowing if she should be triumphant or devastated. She looks like she doesn’t know who she is. ‘It’s a gift, Trista. It’s a gift.’

“No. It’s not.”

‘Why can’t you see that?’

“Edan?...Have you ever seen someone die by your own hand?”

Oh. I wasn’t expecting that one. But I won’t lie to her. ‘Yes.’