Damn It All to Hell

Chapter 13

Wow, what a great apartment! Edan is getting more interesting by the second. Aside from the fact that the entire place is impressively furnished in modern chrome and black leather, there’s a fabulous display case in the back that proudly shows off his knife collection. Hanging sideways above the case is a four-foot sword that sparkles with a remarkable brilliance that almost mirrors the brilliance of his eyes. Inside the case, there must be fifty different knives, each more magnificent than the next. The one that most catches my attention is lying on a dark red piece of velvet that appropriately complements the black cherry colored wooden handle. The blade is about eight inches long and looks like a snake, slithering along the bottom of the display case in a repetitive S-shape. It’s beautiful. The tip comes to a point that looks like it could effortlessly pierce through solid steel without even the slightest force behind it. I wonder what that blade would do to human flesh?

“Aren’t they nice to look at?”

Nice to look at?! They’re more than that. ‘They’re mesmerizing.’

“I’ve been collecting these since high school.”

‘I love them.’ He’s reaching into the case and removing the very one that caught my eye.

“This one’s my favorite.”

‘Can I hold it?’

“Sure.”

‘God, it’s heavy!’ Oh my God...the feeling of power, the awesome satisfaction of knowing I can kill,...it’s tingling through my arm and empowering my soul. I can’t imagine a better feeling.

“Come here.”

He’s leading me into the bedroom. It’s exactly what I would have imagined: dark, cold, and entirely blue. The walls are painted with the palest, palest shade of blue; it’s so pale it’s almost white, but there’s a definite trace of a mysteriously elusive deep blue that shimmers like moonlight reflecting off the ocean at midnight. The huge windows are surrounded by layers of deep blue curtains, almost like he’s trapping the darkness inside, like he hates to see light. The hardwood floors are immaculately clean, and there’s a huge bed right in the middle of the room. The room is so big, I could get lost in here. You can walk around all four sides of the bed! I don’t think I’ve ever seen something like this before. It’s not much like a bedroom, it’s more like a room to help you become lost in deep, ponderous thought. It’s meditative. And it’s really quiet.

He’s kissing me again. I wish he would just keep kissing me forever. God, what is it about this man that makes me feel completely comfortable? What is it about him that keeps me wide awake and alert to everything around me, like I’m waiting for him to lead me to some exotic destination, to some place I don’t know or understand? It’s like I’m thirsting for knowledge, and he’s the only thing to keep me from dying of thirst. I need him. I can’t let him go.

He’s pushing me towards the bed. I still have the knife in my hand. I’ll have to be sure not to hurt anyone, least of all Edan.

Now we’re engulfed by the biggest, softest, bluest bed in the world. I’m lying on my back, relishing the feeling of having all the weight of this magnificent creature on top of me. I’ve never felt more safe in my life, even though he’s holding my arms forcefully above my head where I can’t defend myself at all. Where’s the knife?

Somehow, it seems to have escaped from my grasp and landed right in Edan’s hand. He’s drawing back from me to look in my eyes.

“Do I scare you?”

No, you don’t scare me. You could kill me right now and I would love you for it. ‘Should you?’

“No.”

‘Why do you ask?’

“Some girls are afraid of knives.”

‘I’m not afraid of anything.’

“Nothing?”

‘Nothing.’ He’s still holding my hands above my head with his left hand, and he’s holding the eight-inch blade tightly against my throat with his right. It’s just about to pierce into the vulnerable flesh of my neck....

I’m seeing my mother. I’m seeing my mother’s face drained of life, desperately trying to scream out from the imminent silence of death. And still I’m not scared.

“Why aren’t you afraid of anything?”

‘What?’ What does he mean, why? I’m just not afraid. Why does there have to be a reason? Can we move on here?

“There must be a reason.”

‘You think so?’ Of course there’s a reason. Seeing your parents dead at the age of sixteen will do that to you. He saw his parents dead at the age of thirteen; he should know. Does he really have to ask?

He’s pressing the knife harder against my throat. I can hear the skin starting to pop as the blade breaks the surface. I can feel blood dripping down the side of my neck.

“You’re still not afraid?”

‘No.’ Now I’m just being stubborn. If I say I’m not afraid, I’m not afraid dammit! He doesn’t need to press the issue.

Edan is slowly licking the drops of blood from my neck. It makes me shiver with pleasure. Now he’s sucking at the wound, siphoning some of my scarred vitality into his own. Oh my God.

“You’re still not afraid?”

‘No, goddammit!” He just jumped back. I think I scared the hell out of him. I don’t think he expected me to yell. Funny how these things go. He’s putting the knife down on the bed next to my hand.

“You tell me when you’re afraid, okay?”

‘O...kay...?’ Who the hell knows what I just agreed to? Well, it doesn’t matter. It’s not like my life is something I treasure.

He’s peeling off my tight black shirt and slipping it over my head. He’s looking intently into my eyes. I know he’s not going to hurt me; I can tell. I’ve never been able to trust a soul in my life, but I trust Edan even as he holds me hostage with a knife to my throat, even as he strips me naked. I know if I asked him to stop, he would. I know it. I trust it. I am not afraid.

He removed my bra, and he’s sucking on my nipple as he strokes my inner thigh and waits for me to admit defeat. I am not afraid. I know I will not be defeated.

“If I asked, would you give yourself to me?”

‘No.’ Ha ha! He looks stunned. I really threw him off with that one.

“What?”

He doesn’t know what to say now. I think that’s funny. ‘Don’t ask, just take me.’ Now that’s what you call an eager smile. He’s looking at me with lust, passion, and longing in his eyes, and yet it goes deeper than that. I know there’s more and I would do anything in the world to find out what it is.

He takes off his shirt as I lay back in stunned amazement and unbearable anticipation. He’s taking his time, but I want him now. I’m sitting up to wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him back down on top of me. He’s so heavy. It’s wonderful! ‘I want you in me right now.’ Again, he looks stunned by my whisper, but he also looks pleased, amazed, and yet somehow not surprised. The last articles of clothing are being ripped off in a flurry of lustful fervor.

“Are you sure?”

‘Yes, I’m sure! Now, goddammit! I want you now!’ Now, now, now...I can’t stand it anymore! He’s driving me crazy! My God, if only this could last forever!...

He’s reaching for the knife again. I can still feel trickles of blood on my neck. Our bodies are so warm. We’re throbbing with pleasure, removing ourselves from the world, life, death, and time.... We are time. We have become the center of the universe. We are all that exists.

“Do you trust me?”

I just met you. I barely know you. I don’t know anything about you, and yet, ‘Yes, I trust you.’ Don’t ask me why. I don’t know.

He’s running the tip of the serpent blade against my cheek. It grazes the surface of my skin and tickles me with excitement from the threat of pain. The blade is resting against my lips.

“Open your mouth.”

I don’t know why, but I’m opening my mouth. He pulls the knife away. I’m watching him slowly press it into his own palm. The look of pain on his face is a feeling I know all too well. He removes the blade from his palm, and it comes away red with life. I reach for the hand that’s still grasping the knife, and I pull the blade back down to my mouth. It tastes of cold steel, warm blood, and the rapture of knowing I am tasting heaven.

I’m taking the knife and laying it on my chest along my sternum. It’s such a blissful combination of coldness and warmth. My body trembles beneath the exciting task of being asked to distinguish between the two forces in confused opposition. I’m pulling his palm to my mouth and teasing the wound with the tip of my tongue. He involuntarily gasps and closes his eyes. Don’t close your eyes, your beautiful eyes! Oh, but the smile, the knowing smile, the smile of a satisfied search that is finally ended after years of desperation -- the smile makes it all okay. His blood is rushing into my mouth like a tidal wave released from the prison of a dam, like a river rushing to where it knows it belongs, like it is right, and it is all, and ah! It’s soft and smooth like red velvet, precious like a flame that’s cool enough and tame enough for me to hold in my hand. It’s salty and sweet, it’s thick and thin, it’s life, and it’s Edan’s life bringing me the happiness that was stolen from my own life, like the restoration of the innocence that was ravaged from my virgin heart, like the fulfillment of all the emptiness I have ever known! This is the blood of life! All I have ever known has been the blood of death. He is my saving grace. He is my savior. He pulls his hand away and smiles.

“Ready?”

‘Yes.’ Yes, yes, God, yes! He’s taking the knife from my heart and tracing it down the center of my body like he’s cutting me in half. He pauses at my navel and leans down to tease me with another religiously amazing kiss.

“You sure you’re ready?”

‘Yes!’ He’s taking the knife and suddenly forcing it into the eager embrace of my welcoming vagina. I’m being torn apart! I’m being cut in half! I can feel every single drop of blood in my body racing to be released so I can die at the hands of the only man I have ever trusted. I am screaming in fear, bleeding to death, writhing in pain, and climaxing like it’s the pleasure that’s tearing me apart, like it’s the ecstasy that’s killing me...I love it, and I don’t want to come down, but I can’t take it anymore!

My body is releasing the painful satisfaction, the remaining ounce of vitality, the final breath of perfect harmony, and just as I begin to close my eyes, I see the blueness of Edan’s staring intently into mine. He looks to be expecting a response. I’m closing my eyes. I am finished.

“Trista!”

He’s putting his hands on the sides of my head and shaking it gently, but firmly, from side to side.

“Trista! Open your eyes!”

I’m too weak.

“Trista!”

He sounds horrified, concerned, and, at the same time, hopeful and expectant. With every bit of determination that remains in my body, I slowly lift my eyelids and find the oceans of his eyes one last time. They are oceans of calmness. He’s staring at me, staring, staring....

“I love you.” He flashes an exhausted but triumphant smile.

‘I love you, too.’