Damn It All to Hell

Chapter 8

“You know, you have the most beautiful eyes.”

‘Oh, stop it. I’m not here to get lai...’ Oh my God. It’s Edan. ‘Oh! It’s you.’

“Oh, it’s you? That’s a pleasant greeting.”

Oops. I should be more careful about what I say. I didn’t mean to come across that way. ‘I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it that way!’

“I know.”

He has the most amazing smile. ‘What are you doing here?’ Oh God. I might as well have asked him if he comes here often.

“I’m drinking. What do you go to bars for?”

Okay, I deserved that. ‘Um...dancing?’ That was a pitiful attempt at saving myself.

“There’s no one dancing here.”

‘Sure there is. They have dancing upstairs.’ Great, now I sound like an alcoholic. I must come here all the time to know something like that. From down here, it’s hard to even tell that there is an upstairs.

“Oh.”

I’ve lost him. He’s totally disinterested now.

“Well, you do have pretty eyes, you know.”

‘Well, thank you.’ No, I don’t. His eyes are like endless oceans of sweeping tides with an entire world of energy constantly swirling around inside of them. Mine are more like tiny puddles of mud-swirled muck on the outskirts of a dumpy swampland. But it was nice of him to say that.

“Wanna dance?”

Hell, yeah! ‘Okay.’

“I’ll go get the car.”

‘What?’

“You wanted to dance, right?”

‘Yeah...?’

“Well, we’re gonna go dance!”

‘Um...okay...?’ I’m not sure I quite understand this. I thought we were just gonna go upstairs. Well, I got into a car with this guy earlier today and I eventually got to where I was going, so I guess finding another place to dance with him will be perfectly harmless. This place kind of sucks, anyway. It’s completely against my nature to leave a bar with some guy I barely know, but something about Edan is just irresistible. I can’t let that go. Of course, Malana’s gonna kill me. ‘I’d better tell my friend I’m leaving.’

“Okay. I’ll go get the car and pick you up by the front door.”

‘Great.’ Oh my God! I can’t believe the most amazingly gorgeous man in the world is going to take me out dancing. Oh my God. I can’t wait to see Malana’s reaction to this! Where is she? God, that girl is never around when I need her. Oh, there she is. ‘Hey, Malana! Guess what?’

“What?”

‘Edan’s here! I’m gonna go dancing with him.’

“You’re gonna do what?!”

‘I’m gonna go out dancing with Edan!’

“You’re gonna leave me? On my birthday? They have dancing here! Why leave?”

‘Malana, there’s a gorgeous man waiting outside for me. If he was waiting for you, would you go?’ Malana doesn’t go to bars to hang out with me; she goes to find a man. Both of us know this. There’s no way I’d leave her here if I thought she’d be alone for more than two minutes.

“...alright, fine. Have fun. But you owe me.”

‘You’re the best!’

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

Well, that’s her being happy for me; that’s Malana. She’s just surprised that, for once, I got a guy before she did. She’ll find someone soon enough, though. She always does. Well, I guess I should go outside to find Edan.

Woah, the cold air hits you like a brick when you open the door to leave. It is so cold. Alright, where’s his car? What did it look like again? It was black, right?

“Trista!”

Oops, it’s dark blue. Good thing he saw me. I wonder if this is the same car? Maybe he has two. Maybe the other one really was black...

Nope, this is the same car. I remember the inside exactly. ‘So where are we going?’

“You’ll see.”

He’s got that mischievous, little boy smile that makes me absolutely crazy. He looks so harmless and gentle, and I don’t know why I find it attractive. Normally, I go for the guys who are a little rough around the edges. Usually, those are the guys who go for me, too, so I can’t imagine why Edan picked me. I’m not complaining, though.

I’m really curious as to where we’re going. This is such an adventure for me! I haven’t done something this crazy in quite some time. I was really starting to get boring. I’m glad Edan came along to stir things up a bit. I don’t care if this turns out to be a good situation or a bad situation, as long as it’s something new and different.

‘I thought the heater was broken.’

“It is.”

‘It’s not too cold in here now.’

“Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. It’s kind of temperamental.”

He’s so funny. He makes me laugh. He’s such a strange man. He surprises me every time he opens his mouth. He’s so dark and handsome, and yet he’s not intimidating. He’s not overbearing. He’s not conceited. He’s not...normal. There’s something that makes him different. There’s something about him that makes me feel like I’ve known him my whole life. Of course, I’ve thought that about men before and it never really worked out. Maybe I’m making it all up. It’s probably all in my head -- a lot of things are. Well, whatever. It’s probably just the drinks.

We’re driving along streets that parallel the Monongahela River. The river is half-frozen, with the city lights reflecting off it and making the night twice as light as it should be. The windows of the skyscrapers are the same color as the river: black. Everything looks wet and frozen, cold and lonely. There’s very little movement around the city. Most people seem to have chosen to stay home tonight. I don’t know why. Yeah, it’s cold, but it’s so beautiful! The moon is almost full, and it’s a perfect shade of white. Right now, it’s partially hidden from my view by all the tall buildings. It’s almost like the buildings want to protect the moon from something. They don’t want to give all of the moonlight away. They don’t want to share its wonder with the rest of the world, but instead of creating a disturbance, it adds another sense of mystery and majesty to the whole scene.

“Isn’t the moon beautiful?”

Is this man for real? It’s like he knows what I’m thinking! I’m stunned. ‘Yes, it is. I wish I could have it.’

“What?”

‘I wish I could have the moon.’ I want to take the moon home with me and hang it on my wall so the light shining from it is for me and me alone. Maybe I would share it with Edan, if he doesn’t think I’m crazy by now. There aren’t many things in life that strike my fancy. There aren’t many things in life that make me happy, but the moon tonight is positively the epitome of beauty. Beauty is such a wonderful concept to me. I love the thought that all beauty is only temporary. You can only enjoy beauty for so long, and then it dies, just like any living, breathing thing. But beauty isn’t a living, breathing thing; it’s an idea. It’s a perspective. It’s a momentary glimpse into happiness, and then it dies. I probably shouldn’t have said anything about the moon. He probably doesn’t know what I....

“Me too.”

I can’t believe he just said that! This man makes me wonder about everything. He makes me wonder about his past. He makes me wonder about why he picked me out of all the women who I’m sure would love to be with him tonight. He makes me wonder how someone as beautiful as he is could ever truly appreciate beauty other than his own. Now I know I’ve had too much to drink. He makes me wonder where the hell we’re going.

We’re right in the heart of downtown now. The buildings are so tall that I can’t see the tops no matter how far I scrunch down into my seat. Well, there’s one building that I can just barely see the top of; it’s one of the smaller buildings, but it’s still at least twenty stories high. The building is tan and grey with windows that look more bluish than the rest of the buildings’ windows. The top comes to a point, and it has a flashing blue light at the top. There’s someone standing on the roof of the building, towards the top by the light. There must be something wrong with the light. He’s probably inspecting the operations of the lighting system or something. Or then again, maybe he’s just enjoying the moon. I think I want to go up there to see the moon, too. A few annoying clouds have started to cover part of the moon. I don’t want the clouds to destroy my view of the moon! The man just moved over to the side of the roof where he can probably see far more of the moon than I can right now. I wonder if there’s a way for us to get up there? Probably not. It’s probably impossible. It’s probably illegal, too. I should just forget about it. Oh, but wouldn’t that be fun? I’m so jealous of the man on top of the building. He just stepped over to the very edge of the roof where there seems to be some sort of a ledge or something directly in front of us. I’m so jealous! I can’t even imagine the freedom he must be feeling right now! The cold winter air must feel so crisp and clear up there, and the moon must seem so close! He’s the only person in the world right now who knows what total freedom means! I want to join him! I want to take Edan by the hand and ride the elevator straight to the top of that building where we could join that man and observe the peace and tranquility of a night sky full of...’Aaaaaaaaah!’

Edan just slammed on the brakes, and my head hit the dashboard. I can feel myself bleeding from the head. Blood is dripping down my forehead and into my eyes, and all I can do is wonder what happened to the guy who fell. Where is he? I want to see the body...I want to see the body...

Oh my God! Edan’s face collided with the steering wheel, and his nose looks like it’s broken. He’s getting out of the car. The man must’ve hit the ground about twenty yards in front of us. I’m running to catch up with Edan. Where is the man from the roof? I wonder what he’s going to look like? I wonder if the body will be recognizable as human? I wonder if the body will be crushed into a pathetic pile of worthless meat? l wonder how much blood there will be? Why didn’t he stay up there until the moon disappeared behind the clouds? I have to stop to see where the moon is now. My breath is puffing in misty, white clouds in front of my face, and my frozen ears are straining under the pressure of the unrecognizable sound of silence. The city is so cold and quiet.

Edan stopped to fixate his eyes at a spot on the ground. He must’ve found the body! My legs are taking me to Edan faster than I knew I could run. He’s holding his arms out to slow me down before I run into him...I can’t stop...I have to see the body!...

‘Ugh!’ I ran into Edan. He caught me like I didn’t weigh a thing, stopped me, turned me around, and turned to look back at the ground. My gaze follows his down to the concrete at his feet. The sidewalk has a significantly sunken spot in it, just slightly to the side of the road. The concrete seems to have caved in beneath the weight of some object about the size of a human body that crashed into the ground at a great speed, but...there’s no body.

I don’t know what to say. There’s a hole in the sidewalk in front of us that must have been caused by the man we saw fall from the building, but there’s no body. Edan and I are standing in complete silence, staring at the ground in amazement and confusion. I’m so scared. I know I saw the man hit the ground. Well, I saw the man about to hit the ground...then my head slammed into the dashboard of the car. Edan must be as confused as I am, but he’s much more calm. He’s putting his arm around me, and he just kissed the top of my head. The sidewalk is starting to blur beneath the weight of my intent stare so that it almost seems like it’s moving.

Edan is suddenly pulling me backwards, away from the dent in the sidewalk. Now, I’m sure I’ve been startled back into reality, but the sidewalk still seems to be moving, trying to slowly repair itself. The hole in the ground is rising to meet the level of the rest of the sidewalk. The ground is moving. This is definitely not normal. Edan and I haven’t said a word to each other, but I know what he’s thinking. He seems to know what I’m thinking. He’s turning me around to face him. His nose is bleeding all over his shirt, and my head is throbbing like it just had a ten-thousand pound weight dropped on it. There’s nothing I want more than for Edan to kiss me right now in the middle of the street, while we’re both in pain and bleeding from the head. We haven’t seen another car, yet. We haven’t seen a single human being anywhere else in the city, except for the man that fell from the building and mysteriously disappeared. It’s like we’re the only survivors after the apocalypse. It’s like we’re standing on top of the world, looking down on all its majestic kingdoms....

Kissing Edan is a spiritual experience. It’s like he’s part of me that didn’t exist before now. It’s like he’s helping me become myself by being there for me to see and feel love. I just met Edan today, and I know I am in love with him.

“I can see the reflection of the moon in your eyes. Your eyes are amazing.”

‘Thanks.’ If I had the moon right now, I would give it to him. I don’t know where he came up with the idea that I have amazing eyes, but it was nice of him to say it. Right now, he’s staring at me, and the blue of his eyes is drawing me in like I’m being sucked into a powerful whirlpool. His eyes are so deep. I’m gazing further and further into them and, with every second, I see something new and different. His eyes tell a story. I can’t hear it, but I can feel it. I can feel it, and I know I need to be a part of it.

He looks sullen, like he’s witnessing something tragic. His familiarity with the concept of violent death in the present situation makes me suddenly curious as to why. He seems to have some deeper understanding of it than I do. He seems to be more calm and more in control of everything around him. The world seems to revolve around him, worshiping him and gracing him with its majesties. I’ve seen more beautiful things tonight than I ever knew existed, and I know it’s because of Edan.

“You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

What? What is wrong with this man?! My God, how could he possibly think that and be even remotely sane?

“I think we need to talk.”

‘I thought we were gonna dance.’

He’s taking my hand and putting his other arm around my waist. I guess he thought that was funny; he’s chuckling and shaking his head at me again. He’s pulling me close and humming quietly in my ear. I know this song; he’s humming Bridge Over Troubled Water. That song is like the story of my life. I’m constantly looking for a bridge over my troubled waters. Everything in life has been stirred up beneath me, and I’m expected to keep on moving ahead like there’s nothing standing in my way. Most of the time, I end up standing in the troubled water with waist-deep rapids swirling around me, threatening to drown me if I make one wrong move. But when Edan is with me, he’s the bridge. He’s my way across the troubled water. He’s my saving grace, my savior. At last someone can help me.

He’s pulling me closer and closer, but it’s still not close enough. My head is resting on his chest, and the sound of his heart soothes my soul. I can feel his heartbeat melding with mine, like our hearts have replaced the passing of time. It’s our hearts that keep the world turning. I still want to be closer to him, though. His body is so warm and strong. Even in the frosty winter air, I’m comfortably warm. I am comfortable. I am protected. I am saved from the troubled water.