Damn It All to Hell

Chapter 6

‘Malana, have you ever seen someone die?’

“What?! Are you thinking about your parents again?”

‘No.’

“You know I’ve never seen anyone die.”

‘No, I don t mean really. I mean, I’ve only seen my parents, and they weren’t dying, they were dead. I mean, do you ever see people die?’

“What the hell are you talking about?”

‘I’m talking about when you’re just walking down the street going to get groceries or something, do you see people die?’

“Of course not. Do you?”

‘Yes.’

“How do you see people die? I don’t know what you mean.”

‘I mean, whenever I’m walking down the street, the people around me sort of catch my attention, and before I know it, I’m watching them die.’

“How often does this happen?”

‘At least once an hour.’

“They don’t really die, do they? You just mean you think they’re dying.”

‘I don’t know. It’s kind of like...well, you know how when you’re dreaming and you wake up, you look around and try to regroup and realize where you are and whether what just happened was a dream or reality?’

“Yeah, I’ve had that happen.”

‘Well, it’s kind of like that. It’s kind of like I’m dreaming, but I’m not. I actually see these people die in my head. Sometimes I actually physically cringe. Sometimes it makes me jump. Sometimes it makes me scream. Sometimes I’m the one dying. I see more blood in one day than most people see in their lives.’

“But they don’t actually die.”

‘Well,...but...I don’t know! I mean, what if it’s not just in my head? Like, what if it’s some other dimension of reality? What if it’s an alternate universe or something? What if it’s a parallel existence that happens simultaneously with ours, and most people just can’t see it? What if I’m seeing something I’m not supposed to be seeing? What if I’m seeing the reality that another race of humans sees? It’s just as vivid as the reality we’re talking in right now. So, how do I know it’s not really happening?’

“But you know this is the real reality.”

‘No, I don’t.’

“I don’t get you. You’re telling me you don’t know when you’re awake and you don’t know when you’re seeing what other people are seeing?”

‘Well, yeah,...sort of.’

“That doesn’t make any sense at all.”

‘Sure it does! It just doesn’t make sense to you because you’re not the one seeing it. Maybe the things we see in our dreams aren’t just in our heads. Maybe they’re the possibility of what could happen in another place. Maybe they’re the actualization of our highest potential. Maybe they’re really our own personal realities, and our living, breathing, daylight reality is just one that was made up for us so we can more easily relate to one another.’

“Okay, now you’re sounding crazy. You should just stop before you realize you’re being ridiculous.”

‘I am not being ridiculous! Think about it: I saw my parents dead on the kitchen floor in an ocean of blood when I was sixteen. The teens are very impressionable years. What happens in your childhood isn’t solely responsible for shaping you into what you’re going to be when you grow up. It’s the early teens, the years when you’re most trying to find yourself, the years in which your body is changing the most that you’re most open to accepting your own personal reality. My reality is people dying, and I see that reality all the time.’

“Okay, fine, so what’s your point?”

‘My point is that I need you to listen to me -- just listen to me! I see people dying. It’s not easy to watch this all day long every day of my life. You know me better than anyone else in the world. Can you please just tell me it’s okay? Can you please understand how hard this is for me? Can you please understand that I’m getting more and more confused about who I am and where I’m going and what I’m seeing and what I’m really not? I’m going crazy and I’m watching it happen! I don’t understand it and I need help! Help me, help me, help me! Goddammit, I can’t take it anymore!’ Stop it, Trista, you’re taking it too far. This isn’t Malana’s problem, it’s yours. Oh God, why do I get myself started on these things? I don’t even know why I brought it up. Now she’s gonna think I’ve lost it.

“Trista,...you know I’m here for you. You know I think very highly of you. You’re my best friend in the whole wide world, and I would never do anything to lose you. I’m sorry I can’t understand, but believe me, I’m trying. Do you know how hard it is for me to understand this?”

‘I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell.’

“I’m here to listen to you. I’m here to talk to you. I’m here to try and help you, but I can’t understand. You’re just going to have to understand that you see things a little differently than most people do. Not everyone’s gonna be able to understand.”

I know that. I know she can’t understand. It’s just frustrating. I feel like I’m living the life of something that’s not human. I’m so foreign to everything around me in life. It’s hopeless to expect anyone to understand.

The fireplace is so nice and warm. The flames look like faces fading in and out of the burning air. The faces appear and then disappear, leaving me only to wonder if they were ever really there at all. They appear, and then the eyes open wide and the mouths open up into a scream, and then their skin peels away to reveal the meaty muscle beneath the beautiful white skin. Their eyes are so hypnotic. It’s like they’re talking to me without saying a word. It’s like they’re pulling me in. It’s like they’ve entranced me and they’re trying to convince me to jump into the fire and join them in their struggle against the flames of hell. They don’t understand, either. I’m already there.

“Trista?”

Fire...

“Trista?”

Huh? Oh. Shit, not again. ‘Yeah?’

“Thanks for the candle holders.”

‘You’re welcome. Happy birthday!’

“Thanks.”

‘You wanna go out somewhere?’

“Are you up for it?”

‘Yeah, I’m okay.’

“Alright, let’s go.”

I could use the cold air against my face again. I think the fire has dried my coat for the most part. Maybe the cool night air will help clear my head. ‘So, did I tell you about Edan?’

“Who?”

‘Edan.’

“Apparently not. Who’s Edan?”

‘He’s the guy that drove me to your place.’

“Oh. How do you know him?”

‘I met him on the street today...well, there’s a little more to it than that. I’ll tell you on the way. Where do you wanna go?’ Please somewhere I can drink. Please somewhere I can drink...

“You wanna go dancing?”

Yes. ‘It’s up to you. It’s your birthday!’

“Dancing it is.”

Thank God. I really need a drink.